I read Kate Fridkis’ recent essay about small boobs with a mix of fascination and envy. As someone who’s had double Ds since junior high, the small boob experience is totally foreign to me, although I’ve wished for smaller boobs on many occasions. Large breasts are idolized in pop culture, but the experience of actually walking around with two watermelons attached to your chest? Well, sometimes it’s awesome, and sometimes it’s decidedly not awesome. Here’s why…
10 Reasons Big Boobs Are Awesome
- Breasts are really beautiful. They’re soft and pillowy and feminine. They’re pretty shades of pink and brown. Who wouldn’t want more of that gorgeous goodness?
- Guys are into them.
- It’s fun to look at curvy figures throughout history–from paintings of Greek goddesses to 50s pin-up girls–and see a bit of yourself in these classic beauties.
- Effortless cleavage.
- You never have to pass up a great dress because you couldn’t fill out the bustline.
- They’re fun to play with.
- Big boobs look amazing in tight dresses and sweet cardigans (see: everything Christina Hendricks wears).
- The simple act of pressing your boobs together can make a big impact.
- You know the phrase, “Leave something to the imagination”? When you cover up big boobs, you leave a lot to the imagination. It’s a very alluring situation.
- Large breasts are almost like an accessory in and of themselves. Who needs a statement necklace when you’ve got two big, beautiful orbs peeking out of every outfit?
…And 10 Reasons Big Boobs Are Not So Awesome
- Large breasts attract a ton of attention, whether you want it or not.
- Finding a sports bra that’s comfortable, supportive, and doesn’t make you hunch you over like Quasimodo is an epic challenge. Honestly, running a marathon is a piece of cake compared to finding a bra to wear while you do it.
- It’s hard to find regular bras that are sexy and youthful. Large cup sizes tend to look like nursing bras.
- When you have big boobs, simple activities like running through a rainy parking lot or doing jumping jacks at the gym make you look like an extra from “The Man Show.” And jumping on a trampoline? Forget about it!
- On a packed subway train, the part of your body most likely to graze a stranger is your breasts. Awkward.
- Contrary to popular belief, big boobs aren’t usually very perky. I guess it’s because of this thing called gravity, but most people don’t seem to have heard of it.
- You can pretty much never go without a bra. Well, I guess you can, but again, with that whole gravity thing working against you, it’s a risky proposition.
- Cleavage isn’t always appropriate, but unless your wardrobe is comprised exclusively of turtlenecks, it’s difficult to avoid.
- You know those stick-on bra cups? Totally useless. You might as well put a little hat on your areola.
- Clothes that look effortless and elegant on small-breasted women look totally sexed-up on large-breasted women. Examples: strapless dresses, slinky evening gowns, button-up shirts (hello gaping buttons!), and anything sheer.