If you’re the kind of couple who have mutually decided NOT to acknowledge Saint Hallmark’s Day — because of your belief that it’s a consumer-driven pseudo holiday, penchant for rebellion or overall cynical nature — you may often find yourself confused about how to pass the day that so many others are making such a big fuss about. And you’ll have to pass it with each other since everyone else you know has plans. After the jump, what you’ll need so as not to be disturbed on February 14th, just another day on your calendar.
Fast Food Dinner. You’ll want to go where the crowds aren’t going to be. I recommend Subway. Actually, on second thought, Chipotle (or some other Mexican fast food joint) is probably best because of the gas it will leave you with for the rest of the night. Make sure to eat lots of beans. It doesn’t get anymore anti-romantic than that!
A Disguise. If you go out at all, you’ll probably want to do it incognito. Just in case anyone recognizes you and asks you about how your “romantic” evening is going. I’m a fan of the classic Groucho glasses/nose,eyebrows/mustache combo, but you do whatever kind of disguise you and your S.O. feel is appropriate. A cape could be fun. [$5, Amazon]
Movie Tickets. No, you are NOT going to see “The Vow” — unless you and your boo like going to movies just to throw popcorn at other people’s heads. You are going to see something that will make a difference in the world. Something like “Bonsai People: The Vision of Muhammad Yunus,” a documentary which celebrates the work of Nobel Peace Prize winner, Muhammad Yunus. No popcorn throwing allowed during this flick. In fact, no popcorn.
Pork Rinds. Snacking on popcorn during a movie is so predictable, just like all those rubes who are right in the middle of their prix fixe dinners. Make a statement about your anti-romantic aesthetic with pork rinds. If you’re a vegetarian, maybe you’d like to partake of some spicy seitan jerky, or something like that. [$14.85/ 15 bags, Utz]
Full Coverage Pajamas. Once you’re home again safely to fart in the comfort of your own bed, slip into something as unsexy and full coverage as possible to make sure you don’t inspire any obligatory Valentine’s Day sex. I like this Kermit onsie. Perfectly off-putting. [$34.99, Spencers]
Anti-Valentine’s Day Literature. Now that you’re as covered up as an astronaut in your Kermit onsie, why not do a little light reading? Aloud, if you’re feeling adventurous. Idiots In Love: Chronicles of Romantic Stupidity, should make you and your S.O. feel smug enough to drift off soundly to sleep on this day, which is no different than any other day. [$9..95, Amazon]