Alright, gents, the holiday of all holidays is upon us. That’s right, the heart shaped mongoose has stretched its legs, and like the lazy lion relying on the hunt, we need to chase after it. But there’s nothing worse than running after the rodent only to find out that’s it’s a goddamned rat. While Valentine’s Day itself may be a little slice of heaven, the days that follow threaten a year’s worth of love. When our girlfriends talk amongst themselves and it’s revealed that your Duane Reade chocolates were trumped by Jerry’s box of Godiva truffles. Or your dinner and a movie was nothing compared to Sam’s tickets to Carnegie Hall’s “Concert For Lovers.” Out goes any of the goodwill you get for making any effort at all. What I’m suggesting is ground rules, boys. Yes, ground rules. So we all can get on the same page, and no one comes out smelling like a long-stem rose. Here are my proposed V-Day gift-giving guidelines to level the playing field …
1. Flowers OR Chocolates. It’s one or the other, guys. Seriously. Let’s not go overboard. The flowers’ll be dead in a week and the chocolates will be eaten before that. Why double up on the perishables? If chocolates are your choice, you may NOT purchase them at a drug store. Heart-shaped boxes are out. They wreak of cheapness. Stick with the refined and the simple. A box of truffles says you care. Especially if they’re from a small boutique where you’ve hand picked the selection. Make sure you know her preferences ahead of time, so she gets the cocoa she loves, rather than the coconut she loathes.
If you’re going for flowers don’t visit the deli on the corner. The petals will have wilted before you even leave the store. The best way to deal with flowers is by having them delivered. It shows that the attention is on her. By taking yourself out of the equation, it gives room for your girlfriend to think about you, and I’ll tell you now, her ideal version of you is much better than the real one. For bonus points, have them delivered to her work. That way she can make a big deal of it, and you’ll win points with her co-workers.
2. Wine OR Dine. I know you i-banker mofos are all about the black card. And you’ll probably take your girl out to some fancy restaurant where you get her the finest food and the finest wine. Don’t. Okay? Don’t be a d**k, think about the little guys who are struggling in this economy. It’s one or the other.
If you want to get an expensive dinner, the bottle of wine has to be under $50. HEY! NO TALK BACK! $50! That’s it. If booze is an important part of the holiday for you (and it goddamn well should be) skip dinner and go for a wine tasting. Don’t worry, they always have a nice charcuterie plate with it. A little light nibbling and a lotta heavy drinking should put your night on the right track, dude.
3. Hotel OR Show-n-Tell. So now, let’s talk about going above and beyond. I’m sure the thought of taking your lady out to a nice show, or a special private movie screening has its appeal. And I’m sure taking her to a nice hotel room after ain’t too bad an option either. But choose one. If you’re going for an event, think musically. Valentine’s Day is a sensitive holiday, tense in its expectations. Classical music should calm the nerves, while the trials and tribulations of a rom-com might make your girl uneasy.
If you’re going the hotel route, make sure it ain’t a ho-tel. Do your research. The world is chock full of hotel rooms, and you don’t wanna swing by a hostel rather than a Waldorf. I will allow a couples massage if you go this way. We’ll include it as an amenity. BUT NO CHAMPAGNE!
4. Foreplay OR Foot Play. Onto ending the night right. Marcel would throw you out the window over something as small as a foot massage. Don’t forget it. That is a very sensitive area. This one falls down to your judgement because you may really wanna do both. Y’know, to really let her know how much she means to you. Chances are you’re good at one or the other. And don’t gimme none of that, “Dude you don’t even know,” because I do know. And you’re wrong. Either you’re good with your hands or you’re good with your tongue. And if you cant tell the difference between fact or fiction, you have no right celebrating the holiday to begin with. A solid 15-20 minutes of either should ease into the rest of the evening rather smoothly.
Adhere to these rules boys and we’ll all have a happy healthy V-day … and year.