19 Stupid Lies We’ve Told Dudes We’ve Dated

Online Dating Lies
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Okay, so sometimes we fib a little bit when we’re dating a guy. Not about the big stuff — like our name or what we do for a living. It’s not that we mean to be dishonest, it’s just that our politeness, insecurity or desire to dazzle get in the way of the truth. And sometimes, before we know it, we’ve told you we read all of David Foster Wallace’s books, when really we’ve only read all of DFW’s book jackets. We meant to read the books in their entirety, we just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Anyhow, what we’re trying to say is that we’re sorry for all the stupid lies we’ve told. We’re coming clean after the jump.

  1. I’m totally over my ex. I’m still Facebook stalking him and fantasizing about him sexually on a regular basis, but other than that, he’s old news.
  2. I haven’t had sex with anyone in a while. Last week is a while, right?
  3. I’m not on anxiety meds. As long as you don’t look in my medicine cabinet, I’m not.
  4. I really like bluegrass music. Yeah, I really like to laugh at people who listen to it.
  5. I’m not looking for a relationship. My ass, I’m not. I just didn’t want to overwhelm you on our fourth date.
  6. This scar on my thumb? Oh, I once cracked a beer bottle over a guy’s head when he grabbed my ass and the glass cut me. Actually, I broke a glass doing dishes and that’s how I cut my hand, but the bar fight story makes me seem like so much more of a badass.
  7. Yeah, I surf. I surfed once.
  8. You’re the only guy I’m dating. Today.
  9. I’m not wearing any makeup right now. If you don’t count primer, foundation, concealer, blush and touch of eyeliner I have on, I am a natural beauty.
  10. Of course I’ve read David Foster Wallace. The ‘ol DFW lie never hurt anyone. It’s not like you’re in a book club with him.
  11. I love Jodorowsky movies. See above. This fits into the DFW lie category.
  12. Ethiopian food sounds great. As long as you don’t plan on being anywhere near my ass afterwards.
  13. I’ve never cheated. You don’t really need to know about the one time I kissed that guy at my sister’s wedding when we just started dating. You just wouldn’t get it.
  14. It’s really cute when you use emoticons. I can’t think of anything more un-cute.
  15. You have the most amazing d**k in the whole world. This is just standard good manners in bed lie.
  16. Nice car. You drive a souped up El Camino with flame decals? Really?
  17. It’s so sweet that you only listen to Incubus. Maybe “idiotic” is a better word choice.
  18. I love your cooking. Yummy! Burnt scrambled eggs and too strong coffee for breakfast again!
  19. Yeah, I had an orgasm. It’s funny how every guy claims to know the difference between a real and a fake one. Bwhahahahaha!
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