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Sex Lessons From Spiders: 5 Benefits Of The Detachable Penis

A recent study done with orb-web spiders found that about eight percent of the time male spiders left their entire penis behind to do the job for them. The job, in this case, meaning impregnating the female spider. That’s how they do out there in nature. I know, you men out there are cringing at the thought of losing your member, but this “eunuch phenomenon” or extreme genital mutilation, is not without purpose. After the jump, five reasons why leaving their d**ks behind is worth it for these eight-legged dudes (and the other animal species that castrate themselves like ants, scorpions and beetles). Something to consider.

1. More Sperm. Forty percent more to be precise. A penis left behind means more seed, which increases chances of fertility, which means more babies. Simple reproductive math.

2. Less Competition. A detachable penis serves as a “mate-plug.” (That would be a great name for a dildo, wouldn’t it?) If there’s one spider’s d**k in there, it’s gonna be impossible for another one to squeeze in. Double penetration is not nature’s way.

3. Woman Go For Longer. So what if the male spider castrated himself? Does that mean the female should stop copulating? Hell no! Scientists found that it took the females about seven hours to remove the detached penis from their vagina. No male, spider or otherwise, could go for that long. Let a lady spider have some fun without all the hard work.

4. Females Are Scary. Female spiders are an aggressive bunch. JWoww from “Jersey Shore” says, “After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.” Spiders are more aggressive than that. They don’t just rip heads off post-coitus, they eat them. The man has two choices when getting caught in a lady’s web: get the hell out of there after sex or get eaten. The smart spiders take their chances and choose to leave. Sometimes they forget their penis on the way out. Oh, and if they do and the female is occupied by the “mate-plug,” the males who live can stand guard and make sure she’s not f**king any other spiders. Wild bunch!

5. Legacy. The life of a male spider is a short and dangerous one. If their partner doesn’t kill them and they do manage to escape — with or without peen — chances are they won’t have many more sexual adventures to speak of. Their best bet is to try to produce offspring. And if their penis can make a baby without them being there … all the better.

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