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An Imagined Conversation With The Old Navy Email Mailing List

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Once upon a time, I accidentally gave my email address to The Gap or Banana Republic or Old Navy or some other company vaguely related to those companies, and within a few days my entire inbox was full of really enthusiastic emails about sales and free shipping and new sweaters in stock. I enjoy shopping at all of these stores and do so frequently, but my god, if I wanted to actually read all the emails they send me I would have to quit my job. Sometimes I imagine replying to these emails and telling them how I really feel. This is what that conversation would look like…

Old Navy: We are having a 30% off sale right now!!!

Me: That’s awesome! Maybe I’ll stop by.

Old Navy: 30% OFF EVERYTHING. DON’T MISS OUT.

Me: Umm, OK, if I have time, I’ll check it out.

Old Navy: Only 3 hours left!

Me: Are you really going to do a countdown of the hours until–

Old Navy: 2 HOURS 59 MINUTES LEFT.

Me: Honestly?

Old Navy: Look at our cute sweaters! They are warm!

Me: I totally believe that. I own a few of them. But you’re kind of clogging up my inbox.

Old Navy: Only 2 hours and 57 minutes left to get a sweater on sale!!!!

Me: Listen. I like you, I really do, but this is just too much. I’d love to interact with you a couple times a week, keep things casual, you know? But I’m not ready for this kind of commitment.

Old Navy: Happy Groundhog Day! HALF PRICE CARGO PANTS.

Me: If you don’t give me some space I might have to … unsubscribe.

Old Navy: $5 OFF CLEARANCE!!!

Me: That’s just not good enough.

Old Navy: Free shipping?

Me: Yeah, yeah, on orders over $50. J.Crew already used that line on me.

Old Navy: Check out our maternity jeans!

Me: That’s it. We’re through.

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