How To Bathe Like A Rock Star

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Despite what you might assume about a glamourous ladyblog editor such as myself, I do not live a particularly rock star lifestyle. Sure, Richard Simmons, a fellow “Today Show” guest (!!!) noted that I was pretty and must be intimidating to men and, yes, sometimes I get sent free makeup to try, but my lifestyle out of the office is a lot closer to “Nell” (you know, the Jodie Foster movie?) than “Sex and the City.” I spend a lot of time shut in at home, away from interaction with my fellow humans, just nesting, cooking kale, talking to my dog about boys, and taking baths.

Which brings me to the point of this post: I may have the social life of a practically feral woman isolated in the wild, but I do know how to party like a rock star in one area — bathing!

I take, like, four baths a week on top of my usual (almost) daily showers. I bathe not to clean myself of the filth picked up in the blogosphere, but to relax. I take kicking back in the tub very seriously. I do not fuck around during bath time. Here are my tips for bathing like a rock star.

1. Suds! It sounds obvious, but the importance of bubbles in a bath cannot be emphasized enough. First of all, they smell good. Secondly, the bubbles cover up various unsightliness that you might otherwise obsess over in the nude, like the fact that you need a wax or have exceptionally long labia. They also kind of do the practical aspect of bathing (cleaning!) for you, although I wouldn’t forgo the use of regular soap and a loofah if you’re particularly funky. In short, I will not step foot in my tub unless I have plenty of bubble bath which is how I go through a bottle every few weeks. You’re welcome, Mr. Bubble.

2. Sexy Lighting! I always light a couple candles before I slip into the tub. If I’m going to be reading a book or magazine while I’m in there (more on that shortly), I’ll still the leave the lights on, but I enjoy the gentle flickering of a candle flame nonetheless. Candles were invented for baths, I am convinced of it.

3. Sounds! Depending on what other activities are going on during bath time, my audible entertainment is adjusted accordingly. On Tuesdays, I take a bath with Dan Savage’s Savage Love Podcast, which means I’ll usually flip through the news on my iPad at the same time, as skimming headlines doesn’t distract from my enjoyment of a rousing discussion of bukkake or BDSM. If I’m reading a wonderful book — like Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides — I’ll keep my music very mellow and without lyrics, perhaps some classical or Phillip Glass. If it’s Wednesday and I’m reading trashy gossip mags (that’s when they hit the newsstand), I crank whatever music I’m stoked on at the moment, like The Shirelles’ Pandora station. Last but not least…

4. Screenings! I love to watch TV or (the beginning of) a movie from the bathtub. I just balance my laptop on the toilet and turn off the lights, save the flickering candle flames referenced above. Here’s my view of “Downton Abbey,” easily one of the most enjoyable TV shows to watch from the tub:

5. Snacks! I have not yet eaten a full meal in the bathtub, but I’m pretty sure it’s something I’ll do in the near future. I’m thinking of starting with a salad. In the meantime, I enjoy Snickers ice cream bars during bath time.

6. Sips! And by that I mean wine. I’m sorry, but I feel like a limb is missing if I’m soaking in the bathtub and don’t have a glass of red in arm’s reach. Wine is useful during bath time too, as you know it’s time to get out when you’ve drained your glass. (I drink fast so I do a heavy pour.) Just be careful not to drop the glass in the bathtub, like I did last week:

7. Serious necessities! In no particular order: Instagram on your iPhone so you can take pictures of your feet amongst the bubbles and post them to Facebook; a hand towel so that you can dry your hands before touching your electronic devices; face masks; nail polish remover so you can redo your nails when you’re dried off if you’re having a “spa evening” (Sunday nights for me); and waterproof dog toys (Lucca likes to drop them in).

So, that’s how roll. If you also bathe like a rock star, share your tips in the comments!

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