The Rules Of Conduct For A Stayover Relationship

In these modern times, hussies like us spend a lot of time at our boyfriend’s apartment/house, but do not actually live there.  (Conversely, he might be the one at your place.)  We may have a toothbrush in his bathroom, but we aren’t paying his rent. So it’s not really our place to do whatever we want. 

As such, the proper to behave can befuddle even the smartest of whips. Can you drink the last can of PBR? Do you have to let his dog sleep beside you? Is it acceptable to TiVo every single episode of “Chelsea Lately” on his DVR?

I will explain it all, after the jump:

  • You can eat anything you want in the fridge or cupboards as long as there is an abundance of it.  Tub of ice cream? Help yourself.  The last Popsicle? Ask first.
  • Sorry, you cannot scream at the neighbors or their kids, bicker with the landlord/super, or give the roommates any guff. Not unless you want to get a bad reputation and cause future problems for him, that is.
  • You can throw your clothes in with his dirty laundry for him to wash.
  • You could throw your period panties in with his dirty laundry … but it might be nicer for you to just take that home.  (Or throw them away.)
  • You cannot leave any clothes of yours in his dry cleaning pile. That shit is expensive.
  • You can leave makeup and hair products in his bathroom, preferably in a toiletry bag. But if he has roommates, you’d best be keeping your lady-crap in the bedroom alone.
  • You cannot delete anything off the TiVo.
  • You can add shows to TiVo, but you should ask permission first. Especially if the show you want to TiVo is “Toddlers & Tiaras.”
  • You cannot yell at or discipline any children that did not come into this world screaming out of your vagina. Even though you may be very, very tempted.
  • You can ask his dog or cat to stop climbing over your boob at night and sleep on the floor or in another room, but lots of pet lovers will kick you to the curb for such a request. (As Amelia put it, “Don’t f**king bitch if my dog hops up into the bed in the middle of the night. It’s more her bed than yours.”)
  • If you are a dude, you cannot leave the toilet seat up.  Sorry.  It has been decreed by God, Zeus and Oprah.
  • You cannot complain about the style or fabric quality of the sheets, pillows or comforter. It just makes you look snobbish. When you have formally moved in, that’s when you can redecorate.
  • You cannot rip, spill or break anything without offering to replace it. But I know you knew that already because your mama raised you right.
Now let’s move on to the things you are entitled to as a stayover guest:
  • You are entitled to a clean toothbrush.
  • You are entitled to a fresh towel.  Bonus points for a two fresh towels and a washcloth. (What? I need a lot of towels. I’m a germophobe.)
  • You are entitled to the offer of a cup of coffee or juice, as well as some breakfast-y kind of food. 
  • You are entitled to some modicum of cleanliness, especially in the guy’s bedroom.  I pretty much broke up with a dude I liked whose apartment was gross — not just his common area that he shared with roommates, but his bedroom and bathroom,  too.
  • You are entitled to the use of an outlet for your cell phone/laptop charger, or the use of his cell phone or laptop.
  • You are entitled to feeling safe, respected, and warm. Any dude who physically threatens you, belittles you, or insists on sleeping with his bedroom window open in February is not worth your time! 

That about covers it. What else do you have to add?

(P.S. Can we talk about this stock photo for a second? Has anybody actually had a boyfriend who painted her toenails for her?)

Contact the author of this post at [email protected] Follow me on Twitter at @JessicaWakeman.