4 Reasons Why Space Sex Sounds Like An Awful Idea

Our favorite part of Newt Gingrich’s platform was his promise to build an American moon colony. “Imagine weightlessness and its effects” he said of the benefit of the space honeymoons, which he believes will be all the rage in a few short years. We’re not really seeing romantic space getaways catching on anytime soon. Zero-gravity sex sounds like a disaster to us. Our reasons after the jump.

  1. No Privacy And No Space. So what if there are cameras everywhere and only 10 minutes of privacy to use the waste management system on the average space ship?  Haven’t we all dreamed of claustrophobia-inducing bathroom sex with a man who only lasts 10 minutes? Yes, we have. I suppose this would be a plus if you’re into people watching.
  2. Difficult Choreography. Yeah, no gravity may pose some difficulties. Luckily, American and Russian astronauts have already done research about the best possible sex positions in space. They found that only four positions were possible without “mechanical assistance.” The other six needed a special elastic belt and inflatable tunnel, like an open-ended sleeping bag. Special elastic belt, mechanical assistance, inflatable tunnel? Sounds sexy! You wait here while I slip into the inflatable tunnel, Baby.
  3. Physiological Problems. Nausea, decreased blood pressure and excessive perspiration are just a few of the issues that astronauts face. Space travel could definitely be enough to make anybody feel nauseated, but since when is too much perspiration a bad thing? Oh, when your sweat floats around in little droplets and rains down on you. Romantic ambience at it’s finest.
  4. Baby-Making Issues. Fetal skeletons tend to not develop properly in space and “cosmic radiation” reduces sperm count, but since when is sex all about baby-making? No one should be worried about Earthly obsessions like procreation while orbiting the planet at thousands of miles per hour. Especially on their honeymoon or a romantic getaway … if they are trying to conceive.

What do you think about space sex? Yay or nay?