The 7 Jerks You Meet In Every Gym

Serving in my capacity as a chair-bound fitness expert, I’m here to shed some light on the gym experience, and in particular, list some of the awful, awful people you’re about to meet on your self-improvement/desalination journey, and how you should deal with them.

#7. The Grunter: As you’re slowly ambling through the gym, looking for the least-intimidating piece of equipment around (it’s the water fountain), you’ll soon hear strange and upsetting sounds, like a man giving birth to a fully grown female tennis player.

That’s the Grunter, the guy or girl who can’t exercise without forcefully exhaling like a seal in heat. To be fair, there are some arguments in favor of grunting: Exertion is often easier when breathing out, an occasionally noisy process. Many find that the grunting is an integral part of their strength and timing, something they can’t exercise without. Which would be fine if they were in the gym alone. But they’re not, and a key element of the gym social contract is staying out of other people’s hair. You may find the music from Conan the Barbarian to be inspirational, but that doesn’t mean that everyone wants to hear you chanting “Duh-duh-Duh-DUh-Duh-DA-DA! Phwum-phwum-PHWUm-PHWUM-DA-DA-DA-PWHUMMMM. Neuu neeee neeuu neu neu neu Niiiiiiiiiiii, da-da-d-a-d-a-da-da!” while you’re doing side leg raises. Read more…