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A recent essay about “facials” really got me thinking.  Why is it that the act of ejaculating on a woman’s face is called a “facial”? Is semen an astringent? It seems to me that the act could be called something manlier, like “spackling,” or more … inviting? Women love cupcakes. Why not call the sex act “frosting”?

This essay was posted on Jezebel, and it was written by Hugo Schwyzer.  The piece seeks to explain why men want to “jizz” on a woman’s face. Apparently, this sex act is highly controversial. Some women find it degrading, some find it liberating. Is it a way for men to mark their territories? Or is the act a symptom of the AIDs epidemic, when semen became a potentially lethal substance? Has porn popularized this climactic ritual?  Does porn influence men, or is it a reflection of the evolving sexual desires of the day? (I’m going to answer this in a hot minute.)

I remember the old days when I’d put my penis in a hairy vagina and then come inside a condom. Today, it’s all anal sex, bald vaginas, and making it drizzle on her grill.

Hugo’s thesis is well-thought out and to be honest, I don’t really get it. But I agree with it! I also agree with every comment ever written by any woman on Jezebel’s site. Good night, trolls!

There are two reasons why modern men are obsessed with “facials.” But first: let’s agree that a facial and a finger-in-the-butt are related in one essential way — neither is fun if you haven’t really consented to it. It is just polite to ask for permission before zapping her in the eye with white pee or going butt spelunking.

I think it is important for women to understand that men are proud of their semen. It’s like our only super power. We can make our own confetti, and the process is highly, HIGHLY enjoyable. Can you blame us for wanting to paint with it? Yes, you can. You should also blame porn. I blame porn.

I have cranked it to porn for my entire adult life. Unlike younger men, I was there for the dawn of internet porn, which was a major event in Western Civilization. One day, I was shamefully buying expensive DVDs of porn at creepy adult video stores, the next day I was happily clicking through hundreds of clips of anything I could ever want for free. What I’m saying is, I know what it must have been like when the printing press was invented.

But I’m bored with porn. The stuff I like is in short supply. I enjoy the kind of porn that purports to be “amateur” or “homemade.” I am turned on by women getting off.  Watching a chubbo or stringbean, tiny dancer or beSHEmoth get her cookie is brain-meltingly sexy and that is not me making a feminist statement. It is purely selfish. I am never going to build a bridge, or discover a planet, or invent bioluminescent luncheon meat. Giving a woman a seismic orgasm is an accomplishment I take immense pride in. I just like to work with my hands and tongue and penis.

Popular porn is a different matter. Popular porn isn’t “misogynistic.”  In fact, when it comes to popular porn, women are just supporting actors.

That’s because most popular heterosexual porn has a mild bisexual subtext. I do believe that men copy what they see in porn. Instead of “monkey see, monkey do,” it’s “monkey see, monkey oh my my.” But I also think that modern porn inflames preexisting and deep-seated desires that many men can’t or are too terrified to articulate.

When it comes to facials, a woman’s face is just a backdrop. What plays in front of that backdrop is a repressed psychosexual melodrama. The facial act is sexy to some men not because it is degrading, but because it is taboo … to men. When a dude watches a porn with a facial, what he is watching is the male sexual response. He is turned on by the man’s pleasure and release. He is excited by watching an erect penis do its best “Old Faithful” impersonation. These pornos are not about the woman’s pleasure. They are not about the sticky bliss of fleshy union, because, let’s face it, if you’re not slick, slathered, and dripping with bodily fluids after sex, then you’re doing it wrong. They are about one man watching another man bust a nut.

In real life, a man who insists on “breaking the oblong pinata” all over his woman’s face is acting out a fantasy that doesn’t mean he’s gay. Or maybe it does! Most likely, it just means that he is turned on by other men’s junk. This, in a way, doesn’t make him any different than those two sorority girls at the bar he begged to make out.  Then they did.

Meanwhile, there are a whole bunch of men, old-fashioned men like me, who happily settle for giving a woman a pearl necklace or just, you know, having sex with her.

If you friend John on Facebook, an angel gets his wings. If you follow him on Twitter, an angel goes through puberty.

Ed. Note: I must draw your attention to the fact that in a column entirely about semen, John did not once use the word “cumming.” That is talent.

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