Surely you have noticed that our fearless leader Amelia has a little bit of a thing for Ryan Gosling. We feel that it might have gotten out of control in recent weeks (months/years) and it might finally be time to act. Inspired by our favorite television show, “Intervention,” and our favorite recovering addicts/interventionists Candy Finnigan and Jeff VanVonderen, we’ve decided to stage a Ryan Gosling Intervention, hereafter referred to as “The Goservention.” It’s time for a New Year, New You — Won’t you join us in supporting The Frisky and Amelia as she takes these next important steps in her life?
As your friends and colleagues, we feel it’s time that you take steps to fight back against the crippling addiction that has overtaken your life. We are speaking of your obsession with Ryan Gosling and all Ryan Gosling-related news, photos and information. If you don’t get help soon, we fear it may be too late. We understand that “Drive” was a very good movie. Also, that he broke up a fight on the street that one time. And yes, he has a cute dog.
But your Ryan Gosling addiction has gotten out of control. And it has affected our lives negatively in the following ways:
- Whenever a new Gos movie comes out, we know you won’t hang out with us because you’ll be at home watching a bootlegged copy of it over and over again.
- When Ryan Gosling news hits the Internet, you stop paying attention to everything else and make it a top priority. Even if we have a pressing personal matters or skincare problems to discuss.
- When Ryan Gosling starts dating someone new, you are visibly depressed.
- That Ryan Gosling stalker map that you wanted to construct on your desk — while ingenious — has made us embarrassed to sit next to you … nay, to know you.
- We fear you’ve created unrealistic expectations for real-life suitors because they have such unreasonably handsome expectations to live up to.
- No one else has never gotten to write a Ryan Gosling-related story because you have such a strong hold over the Gosling beat. It stifles us as writers.
- Our Facebook newsfeeds are so clogged up with your updates on the Gos that we miss important information about what our high school acquaintances are having for dinner.
- We worry that if you ever do achieve your dream of going steady with the Gos, it would be a terribly unbalanced relationship. We don’t see the Gos updating his Tumblr with pictures of you, Amelia. And he should, because you’re amazing.
The Consequences for This Goservention Are As Follows:
We can no longer stand by and allow you to continue your addiction unabated. If you do not seek treatment, our relationship will change in the following ways:
- We will take away your DVD player and all your copies of Ryan Gosling movies.
- We will take away your computer, iPad, iPhone, and television — essentially limiting your access to Gosling materials and footage.
- We will rid your desk and home of Gosling paraphernalia.
- Ami will no longer send you porno GIFs each morning, Ami will not show up for work on days when Gos makes headlines.
- Julie will no longer share cute cat and dog videos with you.
- Jessica will remove the giant photograph of Shiloh from your eyesight.
- Jessica will pee in the empty bottles of Diet Coke that are littering your desk. Also, Jessica will spoil the ending of every episode of “American Horror Story.”
- We will call Madewell and J. Crew and tell them to refuse your credit cards against all future attempted purchases.
- We will tell Lucca the pup that her mom has a problem, and send her to live with her grandma.
Please do the right thing and seek treatment. We want you to get well. There are other hot blond celebrity guys out there. End your dependence on Ryan Gosling and get help. We know you can do it.
Your fellow Frisky staffers