An Internal Monologue While Perusing Online Dating Matches

I recently started dabbling in online dating again. I like to look at profiles while I watch TV. This internal monologue reflects a hodgepodge of recent “binge sessions.”

New episode of “Revenge”? Hell yeah. Finally. Got my wine. Well, maybe I should top it off so I don’t have to get up.

Glug glug glug. That’s good. That’s just two large glasses in total so that’s not bad at all. That’s half a bottle left for tomorrow, during “Top Chef.” Always need wine with food TV.

Ohhh-kay. Press play. Recaps from the last episode, like, three weeks ago. Time to check OK Cupid.

http:// –

I should really just bookmark the site. Stupid to type it in every day.

www.ok –

But I’m just dipping my toe in to online dating again. It’s not like I’m actually online dating so bookmarking the page seems a little official. I’m really only online. I haven’t actually gone on a date yet or exchanged messages. I mean, I’ve sent messages, but they weren’t returned. And I’ve gotten messages, but not replied. So, essentially, I’m not online dating. If you’re not online dating, you don’t have online dating sites bookmarked. Anyway. Where was I? — CLICK!

Doop doop doop … gimmmme something good, OKC. A wink from an interesting potential suitor! No whammies! No whammies!

Ughhhh, no new messages. What the fuck? Annoying. Not even from any of those guys I saved as favorites that had beards and love “The Wire”? Doesn’t OK Cupid alert them that they’ve been favorited? Isn’t it their turn to do something?

Let’s see if any of them visited my profile. Maybe they just all happen to be totally inactive and just haven’t gotten around to deleting their profiles. Or maybe they are just dipping their toe in like I am and don’t actually really care. Like me.

Commercial break. I wonder what Madeleine Stowe thinks about online dating. Is she married? Do celebrities even online date? Can they? I wonder if there are any celebs on OK Cupid. I should pay closer attention. I bet Justin Long online dates.

Visitors. Click! Oh, that guy with the beard who loves “The Wire” stopped by my page. I liked him. Wait which one is he? Oh yeah, that one. He had a nice beard. Not too full, not too perfectly trimmed. I wonder why he didn’t message me. Maybe he didn’t like my profile picture. But it’s the best photo of me ever taken in life. Isn’t it? Maybe he thought the “Star Trek” shirt was ironic and he thinks irony is dead. I should probably explain in the caption that I’m not wearing the shirt ironically at all, that I actually wrote a “Star Trek” novel when I was 12. It was 200 pages single-spaced. That would have to catch someone’s eye, right?

I bet this guy’s favorite character on “The Wire” was Pooter. Pooter was so lame. The only character that was totally unnecessary and undeveloped and annoying. Who loves Pooter? This guy, I bet.

Meh. Time to play Quick Match! My favorite. Things are looking up. I wonder how many I can rate before the next commercial break? Thirty, maybe? If my finger doesn’t cramp and I don’t get that fucking annoying spinning wheel. Maybe I should empty my trash first and close all my other windows…

Click. Crummmmple.

Okay, good to go. Sip. 

[A note on Quick Match. Basically, you get somewhat limited information from a person’s profile and rate them from 1 to 5 stars. Nothing happens — i.e. no one is alerted or dies or disappears from your matches — if you give them 1-3 stars. Give someone four or five stars, though, and OK Cupid will tell them you “picked” them. So you gotta be cautious with the fours and fives. You gotta really mean them. I only give 4-5 stars to guys I know I would totally make out with. Three stars are for guys I feel guilty about not finding makeout-worthy.]

Pursing his lips weird. One star. No. One star. No, ick. One star. Sipppppp.

Hmm, first photo is kind of cute. I like his glasses. Scroll. Eating tacos. I like tacos. Scroll. Hmmm. This guy really likes his bike. He mentions it six times. He’s like the guy from “Singles” — “I like the way the world looks from a bicycle.” I like bikes, I guess. Scroll. He’s okay. Not appalling. Not 5-star worthy though … one star seems harsh. So he’s a little obsessed with biking. I will give him three stars. There. I don’t feel guilty now. Next!

Ack! One star to the guy whose teeth look slathered in Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

One star … one star … two stars, extra star because he has a dog but is otherwise unattractive. Yo, what’s with the thoughtful chin scratching in the last three guys photos? You don’t look thoughtful. You look like a douche.

Oh this guy is a winner. Dog collar? Check! Chained to a wall, shot from behind, with “FUCK TOY” written in sharpie on his back? Three stars for being direct about what he’s looking for. Not enough for OK Cupid to alert him to my presence though. Don’t want him to get the wrong idea. Not interested in fuck toys.


This next guy is handsome. Nice collection of photos. Scroll. About Me:

“kickin’ it.”

Really? That’s it? That’s all you got? What does that even mean? He’s cute, but I prefer someone a litttttle more verbose. Three stars for the cuteness.

Click, click, click, click. Four dudes in a row with token Movember photos. I get it. You give a shit about testicles. Every guy on OK Cupid grows a mustache for Movember and posts a photo like it’s original. Two stars for three of the four for the charitable factor. Five stars — finally, a five star dude! — to the guy originally from Mexico who likes flea markets and is looking for a woman who knows silence isn’t always a bad thing. I like silence. Also, his Movember mustache was the nicest. Hooray, five stars!

Oh hello person I already slept with and still sometimes talk to. I will give you five stars as a way of saying hi!

Guy smoking a pipe. C’mon. One star. One star … one star … three stars for the dog … four stars to the pretty cute guy with good music taste. Hmm, this guy looks kind of attractive. Scroll… Yikes.

“I’m not so much a person as I am an idea, manifested in flesh and intent. The duality of man must exist and therein lies my purpose for being. I keep the balance that most are too afraid to acknowledge or take responsibility for.”

I wish I could manifest this guy negative stars.

One star … one star … two stars … one star … one star … one star … two stars … three stars because you seem cool but I wouldn’t bone you. One star … two stars …

I’m getting tired. Just a few more and then I’m gonna shut my computer and focus on “Revenge.” Don’t want to miss anyone get shot.

Beard? Check! Plaid shirt? Check! Lives in Greenpoint “and loves it”? Check! He’s handsome though … I wonder what separate him from every other bearded, plaid-shirt wearing, Greenpoint resident though. Maybe he doesn’t like “The Wire”? Scroll … Oh hell yes. This paragraph is five star-worthy on its own:

“I love taffeta. Next time you are near it. Run your hand gently across it. Smell it. Listen to the sound it makes and tell me that shit doesn’t drive you nuts.”

So creative. And true. Five stars. I wish I could give him 10. I wonder if he’ll message me. Maybe I should add something to my profile about, like, loving the texture of felt. Hmm. Maybe when “Revenge” is over, before bed. Okay. No more OK Cupid, Amelia. Click.