Last night on the premiere of the new season of The Bachelor, the world got to meet a whole new cast of women out to win bachelor Ben Flajnik‘s affections. Most of them were the predictably forgettable tanned dental hygienists and account managers of seasons gone by. But producers outdid themselves by casting the show’s first blogger contestant.
Jenna Burke describes herself as a freelance writer, but ABC simply lists her occupation as “Blogger.” We suspect that means she is “unemployed,” but she is certainly a reality TV force to be reckoned with. Here’s what we learned about Jenna last night.
1. Carrie Bradshaw is her spirit animal. When Jenna first comes on screen, the producers show her typing on a laptop at a cafe with a wine glass. (Because bloggers can never be filmed at rest without a laptop. Duh.) Clearly, Jenna doesn’t mind the cliche, as this is the first thing we see her typing:
What does LOVE really mean?
What comes next? This gem:
Do I believe in soul mates? No.Do I believe in true love?
Cue Louboutin shopping.
2. She cannot hold her liquor. Producers on reality shows love to give contestants access to liquor and turn them loose in front of the cameras. This was a losing battle for Jenna, who was clearly drunk/blacked out for most of the first episode. And her drunkenness caused the following bon mots:
“The girl who attacked me. Emotionally!”“I preach ‘No looking back’ ALL THE TIME.”—“We’re a girl. Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.”“I don’t wanna be like this, I don’t wanna be like this. People here are awful, they’re mean people … I gave everything. This is not … supposed to feel! I’m a mess. I’m the girl that was like serious about this, not the girl that is like wanting fame out of this. I’m the girl that got hurt out of this!”“…I think I messed up”
3. She may not be a real blogger. Is there such a thing as a real blogger? I’m not sure. But Jenna’s writing is stretched pretty thin. She calls herself “The Over-Analyst” and has a blog to prove it, but a quick glance at the site proves she’s much better on TV than on the internet.
Her favorite blog catchphrases include “your default text,” because she hasn’t finished designing the homepage of her site. Apparently ABC put the kibosh on her blogging habit, because there aren’t any new post after September, when the show started filming. And before that, the site is full of short filler posts on all manner of random fashion ephemera.
The best part of the whole site is how she describes herself:
I enjoy analyzing. It’s one of the things people may consider a problem, yet it’s one of the things I really like to do. I think it makes us more interesting and leads us to new discoveries. Overanalyzing happens because you really have a deep interest in learning about life, the good and the bad. I embrace my desires, I feel inspired and I witness the beauty. – JENNA BURKE -
4. Have you ever met a tan blogger? I never have. But Jenna likes tanning almost as much as she loves ombre hair.
5. Things are only going to get worse for Jenna/better for us. Here’s this tip from Chris Harrison’s blog on how things are going to go for Jenna on next week’s show:
I would love to tell you this story has a happy ending and Jenna redeems herself with a strong showing next week but … that’s just not what happens.
This post originally appeared on Crushable, a blog just as obsessed with the train wreck that is “The Bachelor” as we are.
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