The winter holidays are a fun and joyous occurrence that we are only lucky enough to experience once a year. Are you spending them alone? Here are nine reasons why you shouldn’t be.
1. Presents! ‘Tis the season to be jolly! The holidays are all about generosity and making an effort to show others you appreciate them, so what better time to get involved with someone than now? I know it’s better to give than to receive, but receiving is still pretty nice. Especially since you’ve had your eye on the Norelco SensoTouch 3D for, like, four months.
2. New Year’s Eve! Not the movie — please doesn’t drag anyone to that celebrity-saturated epitome of cinematic mediocrity — I’m talking about December 31st at 11:59:59 p.m. Now is the time to take the dive into a relationship, if only to save you from being that one guy at the party sitting in the corner, staring at the bottom of a bottle of $7 Brut.
3. Decorations! Disregarding religious affiliation, it’s always nice to have a little holiday cheer around your home and that is definitely a task for two people. Have you tried putting up tinsel by yourself? I have. It’s impossible. With the utmost certainty I can say that there is not an activity that makes one’s gross lack of coordination more pronounced. Believe me, this is a partner activity.
4. Physical Intimacy! It can get cold in the latter months of the year and, frankly, I’m not too keen on paying an inflated heating bill. Obviously the most efficient way of remedying this affliction is combining the warmth of your body with another. Plus, studies show that people have more sex during the winter and that’s something you deserve to be in on.
5. Finally Using That Deal! Back in July, Groupon touted 88% off a private gondola lift ride for two and it seemed like a great buy; now you’re scrambling to redeem it before the six-month expiration date. Can you say “unforgettable first date”?
6. Something To Do! Because going on dates beats being the person who sits at home on a Friday night eating all the chocolate out of a Dollar Store Advent calendar.
7. It’s not February! The next major holiday is Valentine’s Day, and trying to start a relationship before Valentine’s Day is like cracking open your copy of Commercial Aircraft Flight for Dummies in the cockpit of a Boeing 747 rolling down the runway.
8. Marketability! Winter’s coming, and with it, the extra pounds that accompany hibernation. Better get yourself out there while you’re still in peak condition.
9. Holiday Pictures! Every year there is the inevitable expectation that you send all your friends and relatives a picture of you in front of some scenic backdrop if only to prove that you are still alive and kicking. I don’t claim to be an expert in this region, but I’m pretty sure someone standing alone in a parking lot wearing an oversize holiday sweater staring at their feet with “Happy Holidays” above them in Comic Sans isn’t exactly awe-inspiring, not to mention that nothing says, “See Mom, I DO have my life on track!” like a new significant other.
Blake Knoblock is a comedian and writer. You can follow him on Twitter at @BigBadBlake.