3 Modernized Christmas Carols To Celebrate Awkward Family Time

Christmas carols are nice, but they’re a little out of touch with the realities of modern life, don’t you think? I mean, red-nosed reindeer, frosty snowmen, jingling bells, and little drummer boys? Whatever. I think it’s time for an update. Ready to sing about real holiday topics like awkward political discussions, chaste sleeping arrangements, and horrifically bad gifts? Read on for three modernized Christmas carols!

Spending The Night In Separate Beds (sung to the tune of “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree”)

Spending the night in separate beds
when we’re at my parent’s house.
No funny business is allowed
because you are not my spouse.

Spending the night in separate beds,
it’s a game that we must play.
My mom is in heavy denial
so the couch is where you’ll lay.

You might get a sentimental feeling in your loins–
stay away, don’t let it show,
we’re virgins as far as they know.

Spending the night in separate beds,
it’s weird but it’s not so bad.
With all this pent up energy
December 26th will be rad.

Glynnis The Tea Party Grandma (sung to the tune of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”)

Glynnis the tea party grandma
has some antiquated views.
But can you really blame her?
Glenn Beck is where she gets her news.

Everyone in the family
sits through her awkward rants,
changing the subject quickly
whenever they get the chance.

Then one foggy Christmas eve
a naughty cousin said,
“This holiday won’t be complete
til we talk about Occupy Wall-Street.”

Then how the family freaked out
everybody had to vent:
“Glynnis the tea party grandma, you’re the 99%!”

Faking It (sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Opening the box,
and all eyes are on me;
I hope this present rocks.
Whatever could it be?

Maybe it’s a gorgeous ring,
maybe it’s a hundred bucks,
soon I realize I was wrong–
this present really sucks.

Faking it, faking it, I faked my face of glee,
have no idea why anyone would give this gift to me.
Oh! Faking it, faking it, I really cannot guess
why my aunt would think I want “Gigli” on VHS…