18 Hilariously Inspiring Quotes From Phaedra Parks Of “The Real Housewives Of Atlanta”

Nene Leakes is SO OVER. Atlanta’s most entertaining Housewife by far is Phaedra Parks, the attorney, new mom, and self-described Southern belle of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” This season, Phaedra has really come into her own, delivering even more hilarious, yet inspiring quotes, all while she considers opening her own funeral home (?!), keeps her ex-con hubby Apollo in check, raises their baby Ayden, and parties with strippers. Some people — ahem, Cynthia’s cranky husband Peter — think Phaedra is dumb, but I think she’s savvy and witty. After the jump, 18 pieces of Phaedra’s amazing wisdom.

1. On childbirth:

“I was as crazy as a vampire in sunlight.”

2. On contractors:

“They’ll blow smoke up your butt with a bubble-blower if they have to, especially when they’re dealing with a lady.”

3. On self-defense:

“I never leave home without my Taser… they better be glad I left the .357 in the car.”

4. On refusing to date a man with kids:

“I didn’t wanna marry Papa Smurf.”

5. On opinions: 

“Everybody knows an opinion is like an anus — we all have one.”

6. On church:

“A prayer cloth is a covering so that you don’t offend people with your luscious thighs and kneecaps when you’re in service.”

7. On dead people:

“I like everything about the dead… cause they’re so quiet. I mean, think about it, how quiet it would be to be in a room with no one that is alive.”

8. On butts:

“There’s a lot of different types of booties… you got your SpongeBob SquarePants, you know, big square booties… you got big donkey round booties that just come off the back, you know with the little shelf… Black men like a donkey booty, so if you want a black man, you gotta put some meat and potatoes on them bones.”

9. On sweetening one’s vagina:

“The powdered sugar really, like, turns into really sweet syrupy … it tastes delicious!”

10. On Behavior:

“If you act the fool in public, you’ll act the fool anywhere.”

11. On Lawrence (a gay man):

“He loves lipstick, he loves heels and he might even love panties, but he still has a penis. That makes him a man.”

12. On her newborn baby:

“The first time I looked at him, he just looked Chinese to me. But I knew it was my baby because nobody else was in the operating room.”

13. On natural childbirth:

“No, ma’m. I am having anything they can give me to take off the edge because I can not be screaming like a wolf and poopin on no tables.”

14. On appropriate headwear: 

“A wig does not count as a hat, honey.”

15. Again, on childbirth:

“I think that giving birth is a very momentous occasion, but I wouldn’t describe it as beautiful because it does involve a little blood and things that aren’t so pretty.”

16. On being a foodie:

“I’m a connoisseur of finer foods. You know, growing up in a white household, [Apollo is] not used to all this fancy stuff… he likes canned foods… he likes packed meats… he just doesn’t care.”

17. On showing love:

“My love language is receiving gifts.”

18. On fame:

“If they’re not talking about you, you’re not relevant. “