Ahh, Thanksgiving. A time of turkey, travel, tryptophan, and repeated viewings of “A Christmas Story” surrounded by family. If you’re coupled up in a relationship, you boo is probably in the picture, too, and perhaps-awkwardly negotiating an overnight bedroom situation. Will he be sleeping in your room (read: bed)? Will he be banished to the guest room with veiled threats from your mom that he’d better stay there all night? Did your normally-cool parents suddenly become sexytimes-Nazis? Why the hell is this such a big deal?! You share a bed all the time at your apartment!
Dear reader, I wish I knew. Parental figures can get weird about their kids’ sharing beds over the holidays, even when they know you’ve been dating for a long time … or have been living together for three years. There’s no sense in fighting it, unless you want to make the weekend awkward and put S-E-X on everyone’s mind. Whether he’s joining you and yours for the festivities, or you are joining him and his, here’s how to share a bed at a parents’ house without epic awkwardness.
1. Double standards are your best offense. Plenty of parents tell their grown children they have to sleep in separate bedrooms over the holidays. Alas, they sometimes let an annoying brother or sister get away with the exact opposite behavior. Drives you nuts, doesn’t it? I have a brother who is four years older than me and has been bringing his girlfriend/now-fiancée home for the holidays for years. Of course they sleep in my brother’s bedroom and they always have. You had better believe that I have whipped this out over the years when I brought a gentleman caller home. Parents can argue that “rules are rules,” but they can’t argue that rules don’t apply equally to everyone. (Well, maybe they can if you are 13 and your siblings are in college, but then you’re probably too young to be reading The Frisky anyway.)
2. Whining, alas, is your worst defense. There’s no worse way to fall back into old family dynamic patterns than to get wangled into a childish argument with one of your parents. You’re already going to be fighting over who made a rude comment over Thanksgiving dinner and what time to hit the stores on Black Friday. Why would you whine about wanting to share a bed with your boo and blow the whole thing up into an even bigger deal? And you should never, ever whine about the “no sharing a bed” rule if you are the guest.
3. If you do disobey the rules, don’t rub it in anyone’s face. You’re not 17 anymore: you don’t need to intentionally tick off your parents by showing them “see, you can’t control me!” If you are going to share a bed when you’ve been explicitly told not to do so, then you’d best be covering your tracks or else there’s going to be a confrontation tomorrow by the coffeemaker. Thankfully, it’s not hard. The oldest trick in the book is to muss up the empty bedsheets and shove a pillow underneath. You could also keep the door shut with a “do not disturb” sign on the empty bedroom for added effect.
4. Go to the bedroom the furthest away from your parents’ room. But not if that bedroom has the squeakier bed. It sounds obvious, but bears repeating: hook up in a room far, far away from your parents and never on a bed or sofabed that makes more noise than you do.
5. Practice shutting doors softly. If you’re going to be sneaking into someone else’s room, make sure you know how to open and shut the doors quietly. Practice beforehand so you can get it right. Yeah, this is some 007-level shizznit.
6. If you are going to have sex, keep the condoms/lube in nearby. A little story: Back in college my best friend and his girlfriend home to my parents’ house with me for the weekend. In the middle of the night, he knocked on my door asking for condom. I went to my bathroom to try find then one, but when I closed the bathroom door behind me, it pinched his fingers, sending him into crippling, shrieking pain the floor. It woke my dad up and he wanted to know what the hell was going on. Learn from our mistakes.
7. But you should probably leave the toys at home (unless you can easily conceal them). You probably have a sex drawer at your own place, which means you have a place to toss your toys if someone comes a-knockin’. But when you’re in someone else’s house, you risk one of those “this only happens in Ben Stiller movies” moments when the sheets start vibrating. The name of the game is discretion. If you can’t be discreet, leave any toys at home.
8. Don’t leave your sexy underthings lying around where any small dog or toddler could find it. Your boyfriend’s mom and dad are probably beyond snooping — but even if they don’t, there’s still the chance their adorable terrier Pookie will abscond with your G-string. The key factor in not getting caught is not leaving behind any evidence!
9. To that end, wear more conservative pajamas than you usually do. Maybe you sleep naked next to your honey. Maybe you wear pretty, lacy, frilly nighties. Nuh-uh, not this weekend. Whip out the sweatpants and henly tee, because that’s what you’re sleeping in when you’re a guest at his parents’ place. It’s courteous to de-sex yourself. And you drastically cut down your risk of any awkward thong-dropped-in-the-hallway moments.
10. If you do get caught having sex, act cool and pretend it didn’t happen. Another little story: when I was in high school, my then-boyfriend’s father walked in on us in the den as we were hitting second and rounding our way to third. So what did I ever-so-cooly do? I leapt off the couch, yanked my pants up, and scampered across the room. The dad looked at me, like, “WTF?” and my then-boyfriend gave me a death stare. Way to attract more attention to the fact that we were doing something naughty! Yeah, I sure had smooth moves back then. Anyway, if you get in coitus this holiday season, just play it cool. Pretend it didn’t happen. Don’t make a scene. And when you get confronted by a wayward family member shouting “J’accuse!” over the cranberry sauce and turkey, take a page from our favorite closeted Republican philanderers and deny, deny, deny. It’s the American way.
Do you have any other tips for hooking up over Thanksgiving with your boo, but not getting caught? Let us know in the comments!
Contact the author of this post at Jessica@TheFrisky.com. Follow me on Twitter at @JessicaWakeman.