8 Ways To Get Laid On Thanksgiving

An oldie, but goodie from Simcha. We thought we’d re-post as we continue to care about your sexual satisfaction this Turkey Day … especially if you’re single and horny. — Editor

Surviving the holidays is always stressful. And if you’re single, it’s the perfect time to eff the pain away! Thanksgiving weekend provides a few days to hunt for hotties—especially if you’re traveling somewhere. But even if you’re stuck home alone, make sure you take full advantage of all the seasonal action by following these tips for getting some gravy on Thanksgiving!

  1. Take It Easy: You can shop all day. But at night, go to places you can hang, like a bar or a coffee shop. Do not run around wasting your prime evening time on stupid errands just because stores are still open and offering deals. People – including hot dudes – are just frazzled and rushed in those crowds. They won’t have energy to help you with the present in your pants.
  2. Look Good: You might be sporting sweatpants around the house to accommodate your food baby, but under no circumstances should you tried to get laid in those. When you go out, still wear cool, casual clothes that flatter the pumpkin pie pooch. And above all, keep it classy! Trashy club clothes seem desperate when you’re standing next to people who just ate dinner with their grandma. So save your best ho look for a wild holiday like New Year’s!
  3. Ye Ole Friends: Your past can unlock your sexy future! Get back in touch with buddies who might be visiting or live in the town you’re gonna be stuck in. Catching up with people from back in the day made lead you to some happenin’ parties with plenty o’ babes for you to choose from. Or maybe you’ll even see that guy in high school who was a d-bag to you looking all kinds of ugly now.
    WARNING: Married friends are fun to visit, but do NOT expect them to be your wingmen or lead you to a palace of single men. They’re going to be chumps when it comes to party-going. So make sure you see them early or they’ll booty block you at night.
  4. Warm It Up: There is one major conundrum when facing the holiday fling: Where to fornicate if you’re both staying with family? Hotels are often booked and you don’t want to get left out in the cold. So, for a quick fix, you’re gonna have to get creative and kinky! Classic options are the backseat of car or just get it on in a bar bathroom, but girl, now is your chance to play out a random location sex fantasy. Think about it …
  5. Chatty Cathy: While you’re trying to charm the pants off of someone, do NOT bitch about your family — it will not get you even a sympathy screw. No one wants to bone a Debbie Downer. Save it for your shrink and keep the convo topics funny or sexy.
  6. Shake It Out: If you want to get laid and especially need to blow of some steam from too much family time, you can multitask by hitting the nearest dance floor. A little booty bounce makes everyone feel better and on holiday weekends there are huge parties packed full of singles looking to mingle. Be sure to scope out the scene before you settle for that same ol’ bar!
  7. Holiday Spirit: It doesn’t matter if it’s the spiked cider talking—be a beacon of those warm, friendly holiday vibes. This is the one time of year you are welcome, nay, expected, to smile at handsome strangers. So, do it!
  8. Timing Is Everything: The nights before and after Thanksgiving are ripe for sexy times. Don’t even try to hit up any place during the day of T-Day; everyone is too full to wanna get naked. Wait until the turkey (or tofurkey) has settled, otherwise your pool to pick from will be full of sad, old loners. Well, if that’s your type, dig in! Hey, they could definitely use some holiday cheer.