10 Stupid Male Misconceptions About Female Masturbation

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Men, bless them. They love to think about us masturbating, at least the way they think we masturbate based on porn they’ve seen. If only they could be a fly on the wall when we’re actually pleasuring ourselves. Everything they thought to be true would be rocked. My average self-love sessions are performed without fanfare. Done with bad breath, messy hair, in my old sweat pants, before bed, when I wake up, am feeling stressed, or sad, or bored, or annoyed, or horny. After the jump, some stupid misconception guys have about the way we masturbate.

1.We stick anything and everything in our vaginas. I once had a guy pick up a sculpture of the Eiffel Tower I have on my bookshelf and ask me if I ever stuck it in my vagina. “Are you kidding me?” I asked. He replied, “If I were a woman, I would be sticking stuff in my vagina constantly.” This activated my germophobia beyond belief. All I could think about was what kind of crazy yeast infection I would get if I put that thing in my vag. If I put anything in my vagina — a finger, a vibrator, a penis — I am extremely concerned with it’s cleanliness.

2. We always do it naked or in sexy lingerie. Men like the way I look naked, I know, but that doesn’t mean I get off on myself. I like my body, but I don’t strip down or put on lingerie to pleasure myself, at least not when diddling alone. I usually have my PJs on considering I tend to get business done before bed to help me fall asleep or when I wake up to help me get my ass up. I’m way too tired, lazy, or un-self-obsessed to take my clothes off.

3. That the mere sight of a d**k gets us off. I love d**ks for sucking, for f**king, for fondling. But I don’t look at d**ks when I masturbate, I usually think of the person attached to the penis or the act associated with it. A disembodied d**k is not the least bit sexy to me. Masturbation, for me, always starts with an erotic thought, not a phantom penis.

4. We masturbate with our girlfriends. This idea kills me. Would I ever call my girlfriends up when I’m horny and ask them to come over for a diddle party? Hell no! Even if I were a lesbian, that wouldn’t happen. Masturbation is private unless I’m doing it in front of a sex partner for fun.

5. We fondle our boobs while we masturbate.  Maybe there are some woman out there who fondle their tits when they touch themselves. But I never have. I am just concentrating on getting the job done. Touching my own boobs doesn’t even remotely excite me.

6. We need to masturbate every day. Our sex drives vary, lady to lady, and depending on phases in our lives. Personally, I’ve gone through periods of time where I do masturbate every day, or even several times a day. I’ve also gone through complete fondling droughts where I wasn’t into diddling myself for weeks. My self-pleasure drive is usually connected to my mental state or my hormones. I get hornier when I’m ovulating and when I have my period. My sex drive plummets when I’m going through any kind of stressful life event.

7. We masturbate looking at pictures/porn of hot guys or hot girls. I know a few women who look at porn when they masturbate. Not me. It’s all in my head. I draw on past sexy experiences or fantasies when I’m doing it. I do look at porn, but not while I’m masturbating. It will turn me on, then I’ll masturbate, usually thinking about something else.

8. We like to look at ourselves in the mirror or stand in front of windows while we do it. A guy once asked me if I masturbated in front of my living room window. I found this to be the most amusing question ever. I realize it was just because he wished he would walk by a window and find a woman masturbating. But no. Never. Watching myself or inviting some random person on the street to watch me does not turn me on. At all.

9. We stick our fingers inside of us. Some of us do, of course, but some of us use vibes or other toys. Some of us just rub something against our clit and never put anything inside. Some of us hump stuff. It depends what mood I’m in or how much energy I have. My fingernails are too sharp for a lot of finger action. I think I would lacerate my labia. No thanks.

10. We think it’s really hot to masturbate in the shower. Men probably believe this because THEY masturbate in the shower.  Actually, standing up is not an awesome position for me. I do have a shower head that I’ve aimed at my vagina before. I was like, Oh, there’s water shooting at my vagina. OK. Then I continued on with my shower. That was it.

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