Of all the many splendored joys associated with the holiday season, having a free pass to stuff your face may be the best. And of all the lip-smacking, gravy-smothered, “have another piece of that, whatever it is” holidays we have to look forward to, the upcoming Thanksgiving feast-ivities are both the kick-off and the kicker. Unfortunately, all those super-sized portions usually come with an equally heaping helping of expanding thighs, widening waistlines and rumps that go straight-up rogue.
Some people deal with their increase of junk in the trunk by wholeheartedly accepting they’ll put on a handful of poundage over the holiday. These people also own stretch pants and hooded sweaters they affectionately refer to as their “eating clothes.” Then there are those who make a preemptive strike against the impending avalanche of calories by subsisting on celery in between yoga-lates classes weeks before the big day.
But what of the middle way? The way that says you can have your cake (hell, the whole f**king thing) and eat it too and remain attractive to your preferred sexual partner? Here are 10 Ways to Stuff Yourself During The Holidays and Still Stay Sexy!
1. Wear scarves. A well-placed scarf can provide warmth and excellent coverage against an encroaching double chin. Just be sure to have tissue handy for when you inevitably begin to suffer from the meat sweats. Scarves in this situation can only exacerbate the issue.
2. Try some heavy makeup. Rosy cheeks, smoky eyes, plenty of powder and loads of fake eyelashes — basically anything that will keep the attention on your face and off the fact that you’re finding it increasingly difficult to grunt your way out of a chair without the aid of others.
3. Ponchos are a gut’s best friend. Ponchos are basically the fashion world saying it is okay to leave the house with a blanket thrown over yourself. When your objective is to hide the fact you have lost all self-control around candied yams, this is ideal.
4. Layers. Layers are a tasty way to mask the plumping within. Try compressing everything with shapewear underneath, a mini skirt and dark tights on bottom, and a loose top. They’ll never guess you’re rolled up tighter than ground pork in a sausage. That is until you pass out, face first in the green bean casserole.
5. Heels. The perfect antidote to temporary cankles. Enough mulled wine and those babies will plump up like a couple of ballpark franks. It’s important to rock heels whenever possible during the holidays. They elongate your legs, make your ass look outrageous and slow down your stride on the way to the dessert table.
6. Wear dark colors. Not only are they slimming, darker prints and solid colors will hide stains, such as gravy globs and grease splatters, so you can soldier on in your quest for a third helping while still looking as chic as ever.
7. Big accessories. A well-placed, oversized cocktail ring can distract from the unfortunate onset of swollen knuckles, while a dramatic bracelet can create the illusion of definition between your wrist and forearm.
8. Show us your tits. The best thing about packing on extra pounds over the holidays is your breasts getting a little extra boost. Show them off while it lasts! Wear deep v-necks and scoop tops to accentuate what your momma’s lard-based bread pudding temporarily gave ya!
9. Smell amazing. But not cornbread stuffing and honey roasted ham amazing. Find a sweet, vanilla-based scent and get closer than you normally would to the object of your affection. He’ll be too busy inhaling your exotic aroma to notice you’ve stolen the last slide of apple pie.
10. Sequins! My favorite trick. Cover yourself in it and stand directly in points of light. Your now full and luscious booty will be so sparkly and awash with glitter, men won’t be able to stop themselves from flocking around it like a disco ball at Studio 54.
Got any sure fire, homespun tips of your own for enjoying food pleasures and maintaing sex appeal? Give them to us in the comments!
Rachel Kane is the writer behind the genius blog WTForever 21.