Upon discovering that Kim Kardashian’s 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries was ending, our first concern was the incredible fortune they amassed during their brief union . There’s the $17.9 million they raked in for their televised, fairy tale extravaganza, the $2.5 million People allegedly shilled out for exclusive photo rights, and, of course, their Gearys Beverly Hills registry, which included a $7,850 vase and a $730 ice bucket, to name a few of the ridiculous items. We don’t know the exact dollar amount they made off with … but it was a lot. (And apparently Kim has sold her divorce story to People for an as yet undisclosed sum!) After the jump, our suggestions for what the couple should do with their spoils. We’re sure their lawyers will disagree.
1. Compensate the 99 percent. The Occupy Wall Street campaigners have been working hard. They could use something for their efforts. Perhaps a $10,000 cash gift or an $840 ashtray would make them feel more at ease about the distribution of wealth.
2. Start a divorce fund. There are some couples who would also like to get a divorce, but are too poor to pay lawyers. We nominate Kim and Kris to pick up the tab with a special divorce fund.
3. Third world love. They could feed, clothe, and house an entire third world country, maybe two. And provide them with napkin rings. That would be, like, really decent of them.
4. Homeless dinner parties. Homeless people deserve the chance to dine with sterling silver stemware too. They should take their registry items to homeless shelters around the country and host fancy dinner parties.
5. Destroy everything. Given that they’ve already destroyed the sanctity of marriage, they should just mass firebomb everything they got. It would be symbolic.
6. Repay disappointed viewers. They should send checks out to all E! viewers who had to suffer through their stupid multi-episode marriage story arc.
7. Donate to marriage equality. We move they donate every cent to the fight for marriage equality, since there are people in this country who take marriage seriously, yet aren’t allowed to do it.
8. Make ragtime music. Why don’t they start a ragtime band by turning their pots and pants into musical instruments? That would fun and very “throwback.’
9. Go to therapy. Invest in decades and decades of therapy. Lord knows they’ll need it.
10. Improve the education system. Provide the funds for public schools around the country to implement curriculum that teaches children what it really means to get married.
What do you think Kim and Kris should do with their wedding earnings? Please share in the comments.