I’ve never been afraid to ask for what I want in bed. The idea that some women can’t ask for what they want, or don’t know what they want in the first place, is foreign to me.
However, I’m well-aware that I may not be in the majority here. Guys have told me other women become self-conscious when asking for something risqué or kinky — and that’s a crying shame. Sexual relationships (any relationships, actually) thrive when you know what you want and can communicate it effectively to your partner clearly. Therefore, I would love to help you out, boys and girls, more so than I already did with my piece “5 Moves Women Love In Bed, But Can Be Too Afraid to Ask For.” (And I apologize for how heteronormative this advice is, but my only sexual partners have been dudes!)
Men, don’t pressure anything here, of course — but if you offer, you may be pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastically she accepts …1. She wants a finger (or something else) in her bum. Some women enjoy pleasure from their back door, while others would prefer to keep that door shut. But even if a woman knows touching that area is pleasurable for her and even if she’s played with that area with another partner, it can be trés awkies to discuss with a new dude. First, she’s scared you’re going to be totally repulsed by the idea. Second, she’s afraid there might be little bits of poo that will gross him out. And last, but certainly not least, she’s aware how sensitive/tight the area is and doesn’t want to get hurt. We all know that when we actually get over our inhibitions in that area and enjoy the pleasure, it can be awesome. Getting there is the trick, though!
How to ask: You need to ask first. Don’t go poking your finger around her no-no hole without asking first because, duh, that’s bad sex etiquette, and also you might put her off-guard. A simple, “Can I touch your anus?” or “Have you ever had someone play with your anus before?” will suffice. (If the word “anus” grosses you out in the bedroom, use another word.) If she hesitates, don’t pressure her, but offer to touch the outside very gently. Ask her if she likes it and if she doesn’t, stop immediately; if she does like it, and you want to do this, ask if you can slide your finger in. You should probably use lube to do this and you should definitely proceed S-L-O-O-O-O-W-L-Y as you slip it in. Y’all can experiment with more fingers/butt plugs/dildos/your penis/etc. from there-on out as you see fit, but you should definitely, definitely, definitely play around with one finger first to start.
2. She wants to be gently choked. I’m not referring to WWE or MMA-style choking here; I am referring to gently cupping your hand below her chin in a dominant, but not dangerous, painful or asphixiating, way. If you press down on her throat or squeeze her throat, you can hurt her; that’s why you should cup, not press. Some people are into really intense sex acts like “erotic asphixiation,” which is something I am not equipped to give advice about. But far more people, I would suspect, are into e gentle choking, which isn’t about asphixiation per se but a show of dominance. Be a dominant sexy dude, not a python! Again, this is not a sex move you should do without asking first!
How to ask: Cupping your hand around a woman’s throat makes her very, very vulnerable. Most women would not let just anybody do it to them. There has to be lots and lots and lots of trust involved here, because obviously you could really hurt her. The good news is that kink is all about trust and if your girl is kinky in bed, you have probably already spanked/restrained/tied her up and she trusts you. So bring it up in the context of other things she likes: “You really love it when I restrain you while we’re having sex. Do you think you’d like it if I choked you gently, too?” If she’s game, then try it lightly at first and together you can find the right intensity/pressure for you both. It’s also a good idea to create a “safe word,” which is something she can say when she wants you to stop immediately. (Sometimes in the heat of the moment people say “Oh, noooo!” when they really mean “Oh, that feels good!” So it’s good if your safe word is something other than “no.”) My safe word is “stop” or “stop now” because it makes my intentions 100 percent clear.
3. She wants to wear cute little outfits during foreplay or sex. One thing I have learned in my decade-plus as a dirty, dirty whore is that dudes like the eye candy of lingerie, sort of, but really they prefer ladies naked. Nude. With no clothes on. In their birthday suits. I cannot be the only woman who has spent something like $75 or $100 on an adorable bra and panties set from Victoria’s Secret only to have a sex partner admire it for about 30 seconds before it lands on the floor. Alas, some women — myself included — don’t just wear sexy lingerie because it is eye candy for our partners. We wear sexy lingerie because we like to, because it makes us feel sexy. It’s disappointing when a partner doesn’t admire our sexy lingerie, not just because of the expense but also because it robs us of that “I feel so gorgeous right now!” moment.
How to ask: You may not need to verbally ask anything about this one; it might just be a matter of what you don’t do. If your lady-partner is already adorning herself in cute nighties or sexy lingerie before a sex romp, then I suspect she is doing it because she enjoys how it makes her feel. Show her the love and compliment her on how great she looks; take more time before you pull it off and toss it on the floor. Appreciate her beauty, rather than just ripping the candy bar wrapper off to get to the gooey sweet center underneath. If she’s anything like me, she’ll feel so gorgeous that it will multiply her horniness threefold! I am also a huge fan of male partners buying their female partners lingerie (or couples going shopping together, if he is afraid of doing it by himself). Obviously not everyone’s budget can accommodate this. But if it can, I think buying a woman something you think she’ll look amazing in as a special present is one of the most erotic things a man can do to say “I was thinking about you.”
4. She wants to be called names in bed (or call you “daddy” in bed). Ah, the joys of dirty talk. I’ve been candid about how I enjoy being called a “slut” in bed. That’s only a sex move that I’ve started to enjoy in the past year or so. If a sex partner had called me a “slut” in bed when I was 18 or even 21, I might have been offended by the stigma associated with the word. (Today, I feel barely any stigma attached to it because to me it means a sexually liberated female , i.e. my girl friend and I call each other “sluts” or “slutty” as praise.) My point in sharing this with you is to underscore how women have strong, strong, strong associations with words like “slut,” “whore,” and “bitch,” thanks to all the B.S. in our sexist society. You’ll want to proceed with extra-special caution on this one — think of it as like choking a girl, but with words. You absolutely want to make sure she understand these are only words you use in bed for fun, not actual beliefs about her that you hold.
How to ask: Just like you don’t want to go putting your thumb up her no-no hole on the first go around, you don’t want to climb into bed with a girl and say “suck my c**k, you filthy, dirty slut.” I love being talked dirty to, but even I would hop out of bed and put my clothes back on if a guy went from 0 to 60 like that. Do not call her names or humiliate her unless she tells you that’s what she wants. For all you know, she has issues left over from childhood about being physically punished and calling her a “bad girl” might be upsetting. The same goes for women who might have had abusive relationships in the past. So start off by playfully telling her that her behavior is “naughty” or she’s “being very bad” and seeing how she reacts. If she reacts playfully as well, you have a good foundation to start with. Then, some other time when you are out of bed, ask her how she would feel if you called her a “slut” or if she wants to call you “daddy” (or whatever). If she says, “That’s weird,” and looks uncomfortable, then you have your answer. But if she’s intrigued, then you should take pains to explain to her you obviously do not think she is a slut/bitch/whore, but you think it could be fun in bed if both of you used those words. Ask what she thinks. And by all means, have her read my essay about being called a slut in bed and our anonymous writer’s essay about calling a guy “daddy” in bed. Maybe you’ll learn something!
5. She wants to use her vibrator to get off. It’s a lovely thing indeed when a woman can orgasm from vaginal intercourse. It’s also quite lovely when she can orgasm from being fingered or a guy going down on her. But let’s be honest: lots of women’s primary sexual relationship is with herself and it probably involves a vibrator. (Or, you know, a “personal massage item.”) Men, fear not the vibrating beast! It is not to be intimidated by, it is to be embraced! There is nothing — nothing — that is more of a relief to me as a woman than a man who isn’t intimidated by the sex toys that I use on myself, because sometimes I want to bring them to bed and use them with him, too.
How to ask: Straight up ask her, “The orgasms you have with your Rabbit are pretty intense, right? Would you ever want to bring it into bed?” She might be embarrassed to use her toy in front of you because, well, she is usually alone when she rubs one out. But her eyes also might light up! She’s having amazing orgasms with you and you just suggested you both add one more amazing element. What’s not to like?
This should keep you busy until, oh, next August. Go forth and prosper, my friends!
And help me help you, Frisky-verse: What other things do women love to try in bed that we’re sometimes too self-conscious to ask for?