Mind Of Man: Sex & The Zombie Apocalypse

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When the dead walk and the world is plunged into chaos, the only dating advice that will matter is this: the couple that beheads zombies together, stays together. But that advice doesn’t just work in a dark future where corpses hunger for human flesh. It is very practical dating advice for right now, in these last, few remaining years when the deceased stay in their coffins, rather than clawing out from their graves. 

I think it’s just smart to ask yourself if someone you’re dating would last in the event of the zombie apocalypse. It’s an important consideration. Because dating during a zombie outbreak, while intense, really emphasizes what is important in a relationship. If the person you’re dating isn’t someone who will watch your back, then what’s the point of pursuing that relationship?

Just because the world will be teaming with hordes of murderous cadavers doesn’t mean that dating will be canceled. It just means that what you’ll be looking for in a companion will change, or so you better hope. The superficial qualities most people look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend today will be useless fighting zombies. When looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right during the End Days, you should look for the following: can he or she swing an ax? Load a shotgun? Use a chainsaw? Does this person have a strong stomach? Is this person a picky eater, and if so, can this person subsist on a diet of whatever can be grabbed in a hurry from a smashed open vending machine? Most importantly: will this person save my ass or just run during the first sign of danger?

Courage is what happens when love puts on its pants and makes a point. Don’t ever date someone who doesn’t understand that the only way two people survive life is if both people are singularly concerned with the happiness, well-being and safety of the other person. The self-absorbed will be the first to get snacked on. Which means half of Facebook is already doomed. Men or women who push others out of the way and run are always the first to die when it comes to marauding zombies, and for that matter, dinosaurs, or aliens. 

Start looking for these qualities now; when ghastly phalanxes of zombies start lumbering down the street, you’ll be glad you did. If you’re a man, start looking to date feminists. Damsels in distress will not survive the night of the living dead. If you’re a woman, don’t just look for a man who looks like a lumberjack. Prize cleverness, because a clever man will build a better Molotov cocktail than a meatball who doesn’t know that you should mix a healthy amount of sugar into the gasoline. Look for someone self-confident enough to know that without sacrifice, there is no success. Being able to improvise and turn obstacles into opportunities will be the new sexy.

It’s not like dating in a dystopia will be all brain splatter and blood curdling screams of terror. There will be, most certainly, less bullshit. Meeting people will be easier, because the living will all have one major thing in common: fighting for their lives. Picking places to date will also be simpler. Just pick any place not swarming with rotting monsters from hell. Sure, this future won’t be great for foodies. But after days of not eating, that bowl of canned beef strew is going to taste amazing. Running into your ex will be no problem: he or she’ll probably be a zombie anyway. 

Plus, the sex will be fantastic. Intense and grasping and fueled by adrenaline. Sex is a release of creative energy and will, therefore, be the greatest weapon humanity has against the cold darkness of an Earth where the dead have returned. Of course, the sexing will have to happen during brief lulls in combat. You’ll strip naked wherever you happen to be hiding — a meat locker, a bunker, a tent on the high ground. You’ll both check each other out for bites that you didn’t give each other. Then you will bang and your moans of pleasure will drown out the savage moans of the zombies who slowly slog your way. Afterwards, you’ll both get dressed while simultaneously checking your ammo.

Dating is a process that helps us find someone to spend our life with. The truth is, we’re already surrounded by death. Every day. So the pile of minutes we’re all given are the most valuable thing we can possibly share with someone. Dating shouldn’t be a process that helps us find the person who is most like we are, because it’s just so much easier to date a person we’re already in love with. Dating, now or during the zombie apocalypse, should be about finding that person who will join you in battle. Who will pick brains out of your hair, shoot an arrow through the head of a zombie you didn’t see sneaking up on you, and who will slap you if you’re hysterical and scream “I can’t do this without you!” You can’t do this alone. This. Life. This momentary burp in the space-time continuum.

I mean, you can do it alone, but a comrade-in-arms gives the hacking, stabbing and flame-throwing meaning. When it’s not about you, but about her, or him, then everything just makes sense. I will sharpen your Samurai sword if you oil my assault rifle. I will bring you wonton soup as you work late on that new account if you whisper in my ear that I’ll nail that job interview in the morning. The dead never share fresh brains. Love is the only thing that can save us from zombies. Love is the only thing that can save us. 

You can be John’s friend on Facebook if you really want to be his friend. Or you can follow his musings on Twitter.

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