Perv Pleads Guilty To Handing Out Semen-Tainted Yogurt

Anthony Garcia of Albuquerque, New Mexico, plead guilty on Thursday to handing out yogurt samples at Sunflower Market in January with an extra-special ingredient. Extra-extra special, if you know what I mean. Garcia admitted in court that he jizzed on a plastic spoon, swirled it in the yogurt, and then offered it to a 28-year-old female customer. This unlucky woman spat the foul-tasting yogurt on the floor and wiped it on her clothing. She then called the cops and told them it “tasted like bodily fluids”; when police investigators tested the tainted yogurt they found “DNA samples,” which is a polite way of saying “some guy’s nasty splooge.” He then lied to investigators, which got him in even more trouble. Hey, a-hole, if you’re going to jerk off in someone’s yogurt, at least own up to it!

Garcia The Perv is headed to prison for three years, where he should never be allowed on cafeteria duty. His poor victim, one assumes, has probably sworn off Dannon forever. Also, I apologize for posting this before dinnertime, but Amelia made me. [Huffington Post]

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