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4 Reasons Zooey Deschanel Can Stop Pretending She’s A Dork

Don't Call Her "Adorable"
Zooey doesn't like it, dammit. Read More »
Rebel Zooey
A teenager Zooey once wrote a feminist letter to Vogue. Read More »

If you’re anything like me, you track rising movie starlets through a patented system of chicken bone voodoo and Precog upkeep. It’s a good system but sometimes people fall through the cracks. Like when the lil’ water baldies began rolling out the name ‘Zooey’ over and over again, I had to consult other sources to get a reading of what was up. Turns out there’s this girl that everyone is love with. This is her (above).

Her name is Zooey Deschanel (sounds like Da’ Chanel, which is coincidentally what I call my perfume when I’m feeling sassy) and she’s the new ‘It’ girl. Or old ‘It’ girl, depending on how quickly you get tired of ‘It’ girls. If ‘cute’ was a commodity Zooey would be the Federal Reserve. Scratch that. She’d be China and the rest of us girls would be used food stamps that once doubled as Clue scorecards. THANK GOD cute is not a commodity is what I’m saying.

Do you remember back when Friends was big, and every girl you knew had Rachel’s haircut? (AC)ZD is the Rachel of girl people right now. If you’re of the female persuasion and you don’t want to dress like syphilis in a tube top, this is who you’re probably getting some fashion cues from. And if you’re a guy, a reasonable facsimile of this girl is who you’re trying to meet, not to have dirty, filthy sex with, but to marry and make babies and dirty, filthy noodle casseroles with.

But you never, ever will. Everevereverever. You have a better chance of meeting a meatball lady and making SpaghettiO babies with her. Here’s why. Read more…

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