Oh, Mike. You’re such a creep. On last night’s episode of “Jersey Shore,” Mike tries to teach Snooki a lesson (his choice of words) by spreading the rumor that he or his friend called Jionni to tattletale about their alleged hookup. It’s hard to say whether doing that, or letting Snooki think he did that, is the more douchey thing to do.
So, thanks to him, we learned a new Jerseylicious acronym: GTD or “Gym, Tan, Drama.” Though GTD could just as easily be “Gym, Tan, Domestic Violence,” because Snooki freaked the f**k out on Mike and chucked like 12 wine bottles at his head.
Now, what The Situation did to her was bad. Really bad. But for the love of gelato, that was insane. Snooki is like the new Ronnie, which is to say an emotionally-stunted caricature of an adult human being.
- The Situation’s euphemism for getting a beej, “going on blast,” conjures such vivid imagery, does it not?
- Sammi tells off The Situation for gossiping about Snooki behind her back, which is one of the only times I’ve ever had respect for that girl’s behavior, ever. She has a backbone! Who’d have thunk! Where did this come from?
- My heart fills with joy every time Snooki shows off her gymnastics skillz, even if everyone sees her cooca.
- This quote from Snooki when she drops a bottle of wine in the street: “Como se dice this sucks balls!”
- It only took, uh, four seasons but the whole house is finally in agreement that Mike is shady. Even Ronnie and Sammi, two people who are not known for their keen powers of observation, agree he’s a creep.
- This quote from Ronnie about Sicily: “Four guidos in the woods? I don’t know about that.”
- How adorable is it when the guys arrive in Sicily and 712 of Vinny’s distant relatives pile out of the house like a clown car to kiss everyone on the cheek?
- I can’t deal with The Situation’s stupid ass haircut. Just. Can’t. Deal.
- The Situation’s idea of “confirming” his hookup with Snooki sounds a lot more like him making a phone call to his friend and telling him about the alleged hookup for the first-time ever.
- When she finds out he’s been gossiping, Snooki chases Mike around the apartment, hits him and throws wine bottles. Crazy.
- Snooki burps at the table in front of the sommelier. I am so over this rude little girl.
- Also in things I am so over: Snooki’s whiny, snotty, over-the-top, immature behavior towards Jenni, characterized by the repeated use of the phrase “the worst best friend ever.” Is she stupid or something? (Don’t answer that.) Jenni is the best best friend ever. We should all be so lucky to have a friend who takes care of us like Jenni takes care of Snooki.
- Snooki said she blacked out when she had sex with Vinny and doesn’t remember what happened, which makes the consent aspect a bit difficult. He seemed genuinely surprised she didn’t remember the sex. Because this is a reality TV show and we all see (an edited version of) what happened beforehand, I don’t personally think Snooki was coerced by him or date raped or anything nefarious like that. But it’s still unnerving to see how she literally does not remember having sex with him.
- Snooki and J-Woww go out for mimosas at 7:30 in the morning.
- Vinny’s mom hung up the phone on him when he asked if their family has any girl cousins for Pauly D.
- Vinny says Sicily looks like “Jurassic Park” and it looks like King Kong is in the bushes.
- Which idiot at MTV decided it was a good idea for the girls to go to a fancy wine tasting in a castle? Have they seen Deena and Snooki when they’re on the sauce? I can’t tell you how much I cringed at this Ugly American-ness.
- Jionni (Snooki’s ex) has changed his Facebook status to single. Ah, the modern way we break up.
- This quote from Vinny about his hookup with Snooki: “My d**k was cuddling with your vagina.” How romantic.