An Internal Monologue In The Hair Care Aisle

The scene: 3 p.m. on a Thursday, Walgreens (or similar well-stocked pharmacy).

OK, I’m here for one thing and one thing only: anti-frizz serum. This early fall humidity is making me look like Phil Spector at his murder trial and that is not good for my social life. It’s time to take action. It’s time to smooth things out. Ooh, but maybe hairspray would be better? I think my hairstylist said hairspray is better than serum. Or maybe she said mousse is better than styling wax. Actually I think she said she didn’t really “get” the Borat movie. Yeah. That was it.
Why are all the hair care packages shaped like dildos? When did that become a thing? Should I even look at the contents of the package or just choose the one that looks like it would deliver the best orgasm? I guess I’ll take all factors into consideration.

So here we have straightening serum for curly hair and over here we have curling cream for straight-hair. I wonder what would happen if you put on both at the same time. I wonder if the universe would collapse in on itself. I might have to try that this weekend. Better get both.

Oh GOD they have vanilla mango shampoo. Would it be wrong to buy that for a snack? Apparently so, since it says “Do not eat” right on the label. That seems a little harsh. I’ll eat my shampoo if I damn well please, Walgreens! In fact I’ll take this bottle home right now and drink it in the bath. I’ll get this strawberry kiwi conditioner too–you know, for dessert.

These “Just For Blondes!” and “Just For Brunettes!” products are, like, the best marketing scheme ever. They don’t actually do anything but they make you feel like you’re part of a cool club just for having a certain color of hair. Like here, this Beautiful Blonde glossing spray claims to “bring out the sunny sparkle and dazzling undertones of your gorgeous golden locks.” I mean, yeah, sunny sparkle sounds great and all, but come on. And yeah, blondes do tend to have gorgeous golden locks, don’t we? And I didn’t realize it until just now but my hair has seemed a bit cloudy lately, maybe not quite as golden as it could be…Fine. I’m getting it. Also the styling gel and the moisturizing balm. I hope the world is ready for my dazzling undertones!

Why was I here again? Oh yeah, anti-frizz stuff. I’ll come back for that tomorrow.