Mind Of Man: The Types Of Women You Shouldn’t Date

Women are always writing blog posts about the types of men who shouldn’t be dated, like overgrown frat boys, mole people, and men who still bathe with their mothers. Well, two can play at that game! I see your stereotype and raise you a bunch! Here are the types of women no man should date.

Never date a stand-up comedian because you’ll end up a punch line in her act. Never date a musician because she’ll always love her trombone more than you. Never date a lawyer because you’ll never, ever win the argument she’ll deny starting in the first place. Never date a yoga instructor because she’ll think it’s funny to do her “crab woman” impersonation, and you’ll laugh, but suddenly her limberness will seem .05 percent less sexy than it did before she scurried across the living room floor. Whatever you do, don’t date a feminist because, for some reason, they don’t find crude, sexist jokes funny. I’ll also add that I don’t advise dating women with tummies because it’ll just remind you that you should do more sit-ups.

Avoid dating skinny chicks if at all possible. They probably have a tapeworm. If the woman you’re on a date with doesn’t know how to use chopsticks, just excuse yourself, calmly walk to the bathroom, and crawl through the bathroom window. Women who wear peasant skirts are to be avoided. Because first it’s peasant skirts, then it’s ankle bracelets and the next thing you know, it’s tickets to a Dave Matthews concert. Don’t date women who are fashion forward because they’ll make you wear teal sweaters. Heels means she’s a slow walker. Zombies eat slow walkers.

The following women should also never be dated: brunettes, because they want to be blonde and blondes because they like being blonde. Redheads are the love child of a volcano and a tornado. Tall women will always look down on you, short women will never look up to you. Regular-sized women want to be tall or short or both. Where was I? Right. Never date a woman who expects you to pay for everything. She’s probably superficial. Women who pay for your dinner are also not girlfriend material. What? You think I can’t get a job? I JUST CHECKED MONSTER DOT COM YESTERDAY, NAG. Speaking of, never date a nag, as they’re usually right about their naggy-naggy nags. If she offers to split the check, make the following mental note: I should not date her because she thinks I’m cheap.

Here are some dating don’ts and don’ts. Don’t: date a woman from Philadelphia because, on some molecular level, she’ll be cooler than you. Don’t: date a woman who talks to her dog, because that dog will know all of your secrets. Don’t: date a woman who blogs about her sex life, because that means she’s had sex before, and it will give your penis performance anxiety. Don’t: date a woman with mad Photoshop skills because one day your head will appear on a goat. Let me loop back around: don’t date a blogger, because the Internet is a hungry beast that must be fed and one day a friend will link to a story on their Facebook wall titled “My Boyfriend’s Vaguely Rectangular Testicles.”

Never date a woman who will sleep with you on a first date. Slut! Never date a woman who will sleep with you on a second date. Tease! Never date a Conservative Christian because if you do sleep with her, and that is a big “if,” she will rock your world, and the next thing you know, you’re watching Fox News, nodding in agreement and you voted for Obama. Some women have “daddy issues.” Some women have entire subscriptions. Don’t date either, if you can help it. Environmentalists care too much about baby seals and not enough about blow jobs.

Dealbreakers! The following are dealbreakers: mouth breathers, thought havers, cheese eaters, showtune singers, eye rollers, cry faces, belly laughers, vagina or butt farters. More dealbreakers: jungle bush, dolphin vulva, quarter, nickel or penny nipples, baby feet, iron thighs, silly dancers, anthropology majors. Even more dealbreakers: Scorpios, Gemini, Aries, Aquarians, Sagittarians, publicists, dominatrixes, jugglers, optimists, Buddhists, and anyone who knows every single participant in every season of “DWTS.” Also: anyone who knows what “DWTS” is an acronym for.

Women who wear glasses aren’t smart. They’re probably just near or farsighted. Chefs are lady pirates, in that they are way too comfortable with fire and knives. Actresses will, at one point, quote Shakespeare. “All the world’s a stage,” she’ll declare. No kidding, you’ll think. If she works for a woman’s magazine like Cosmopolitan, just politely run away, because those women are nothing but tips, tips, tips. They have a tip for everything. Sheesh! You know who you should never date? Any woman who reads the short fiction in The New Yorker. Eventually, she’ll try to tell you about what she read and short fiction is just another term for “Nothing happens fiction.” Booooring. Women on the rebound? No. Because have you ever had a shard of broken heart under your fingernail? Ouchtastic, bro. Women who haven’t had a boyfriend in forever? Nope. Thumbs down. Why has she been single so long? Does she smell? If she drinks white wine, then she’ll always hate that you sweat beer. If she drinks bourbon, then she’s an alcoholic and there’s only room for one alcoholic in this relationship, lady.

You should never date a mermaid. Sure, they’re full of Omega-3 Fatty Acids, but those seashells never come off. Never date a Cylon. They’re hot, but they really, really hate humanity. Never date a chick whose “best male friend” is a Time Lord, because you’ll just never live up to that worldly and intelligent son of a bitch. If she’s beautiful, smart, funny, sensitive, and loves video games, then do yourself a favor and pull the ejector seat lever. She’s a trap!

I am a real, live single guy dating in New York City. These are the women you should never date.

The women you should never date.

Never date.

John DeVore organizes vowels into words that he then arranges into sentences. You can be his Facebook BFF here. Alternately, you can follow his babbling on Twitter.