Picture this. You’re surrounded by demons in the mist of an enchanted forest. The Pirate King Sirron has overtaken the portal to Hell and has, through dark magic, bent Demogorgon the Demon Prince to his will. The full force of the Underworld is against you. You, a strong bull-man Paladin Knight, accompanied by a Dwarf, a Cleric, an Elf and a Sorcerer (respectively named Ryan, Phil, George and Steve). This, my friends, is Dungeons & Dragons.
Perhaps this is not where you’d expect to find a bright, bubbly, blonde, violently-sexy and overly-confident comedian. But a few months back, I found myself in this very scenario, sitting in a room full of nerds. One of three girls in the whole place—and the only one that looked like she’d been out of her apartment in the past three months—I realized that, by default, I was an absolute babe. Whoa, I thought to myself. I am the Megan Fox of Dungeons & Dragons right now.
You’re probably wondering how I got here. Easy. I used the word ‘nerd’ above because I am one myself. I love magic. Also: wizards, elves, unicorns, fauns, knights and dragons. Heck, anything that could possibly be a part of a Tolkien or George R. R. Martin book. Seriously, I lick the spoon with this s**t. I will even confess that when I first read Lord of the Rings, I couldn’t stop having vivid sexy dreams about Frodo Baggins, Tom Bombadil, and myself getting nasty inside the volcano of Mordor while Eowyn fed me delicious grapes. Weird? Possibly. Ok, yes. But can you blame me?
I became curious about D&D in college when I met a hotter-than-hot art major named Nate who was into it. He was a Dungeon Master for this nerdy group of criminally handsome artists that played on Sunday nights. I thought to myself: Nate is gorgeous, talented, can challenge me on my unicorn knowledge and sit through all the “Harry Potter” movies with me. I must have him! But it didn’t work out. He started dating a coworker of mine. Rats!
But, a few years later, when I moved to New York City, I was scheming up ways to meet cute new guys and suddenly thought of Nate. (Also, I saw that genius “Community” episode.) I hatched a plan. I went online and found myself a huge group of fantasy geeks having a Saturday afternoon D&D marathon in the basement of a gaming store in Manhattan. The advertisement boasted, “The Maiden’s Song: A beautiful maiden is trapped in an enchanted sleep by a cruel demon lord. Rise up with your fellow companions to take down this evil force and break the enchantment.“
Um, you don’t have to ask me twice.
I decided to put on my best ass-kicking outfit and nerd out, hoping that there would be at least a couple of art-major closet nerds there. Surely, if it can happen once, it can happen again, I thought. We can make eyes at each other while I’m “rolling for damage.” I’ll make flirty role-playing dialogue with him while our characters are in a tavern, discussing plans for the quest. The unspoken lust will be so intense, that later we will passionately make out while taking breaks to discuss “Game of Thrones.”
Needless to say, I was wrong.
Instead, my Dungeons & Dragons group consisted of the aforementioned Ryan, Phil, George, and Steve. Ryan, the experienced Dungeon Master and group Elf was a 45-year-old IT guy from Flushing. He had shoulder length, frizzy, gray hair and had hand painted our D&D character figurines. Phil was our group’s Dwarf. He was 16 years old and painfully shy. He wore a faded black T-shirt with some obscure anime on the front of it. I’m sure he had never seen boobs before.
George was a round, nervous little man with white hair and an ageless face. He was our Cleric and a little too knowledgeable about the ‘90s TV series “Wings.” Lastly, there was Steve. Oh, Steve. Steve was the Bruce Springsteen of Dungeons & Dragons. He was born and raised in Jersey, wore ‘80s acid-washed jeans, and acted like a rock star. He had been playing the longest out of anyone in the group—since his high school days, which was saying something because he was pushing 50.
Steve decided to take it upon himself to be my coach for the afternoon. Which consisted of him trying to use “hip words” while taking all of my weapon cards and making sexual innuendos about them. I can’t even repeat what he said about my hammer without breaking into gut-busting laughter.
So, there I was with one nerd staring at my tits, one not even looking in my direction, and two somehow doing both at the same time while nervously laughing. It was odd to say the least. On one hand, I got to feel like a super hot babe for five hours while kicking some demon prince ass with my huge, unstoppable Paladin. On the other hand, my real fantasy—Nate 2.0—was crushed. Operation D&D hookup was an absolute fail.
But in the end, I decided to go back the next week to vanquish a dragon lord and rescue the maiden from her imprisonment. I also went the week after that. What can I say? I really do lick the spoon with this s**t.