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Steve Martin’s Hilarious Oscar Hosting Advice For Eddie Murphy

Awards shows are always a little bit of a hit or miss affair. Jane Lynch happened to be a pretty stellar choice for this year’s Emmys, but we’re feeling kind of meh about the idea of Eddie Murphy hosting this year’s Oscars. Never fear, all-star funny guy Steve Martin is around to offer necessary hosting advice and wisdom. As a part of a hosting duo with Alec Baldwin, Martin killed it, and in an open letter, he gives Murphy everything he needs to know about making it through the four hour mega-show monstrosity. Read the hilarious letter after the jump.

Hi Eddie,

I heard you’re hosting this year’s Oscars. First, CONGRATS. Even though you didn’t ask for my advice and specifically said, “please, no advice,” here are a few tips!

Whatever you do, don’t have a co-host. They’re a big pain and they just end up breaking your SNL hosting record.

Start slimming down now. You looked kinda paunchy in “Norbit.”

People always say it’s a disgrace that neither you nor I have ever won an Oscar, but they’re just being correct.

The losers can feel very sad, so when you’re backstage with them, pat their backs, then shake your head sadly. It’s a blast!

Fortunately, only you and I can get away with smuggling out an Oscar in our pants.

Remember to relax and have a good time while 12,000 livebloggers rip you to shreds.

The accountants that certify the voting? Same chad counters from Florida.

If you feel the show is running long, you’re probably thinking of 2010, 2009, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, or any of the shows of the ’90s.

If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him.

Eddie, since you and I are old friends, and I sincerely thought you deserved an Oscar nomination for “Bowfinger,” the movie we did together that stands alone in comedy history, from which we got no credit or acknowledgement except large paychecks and drivers and any type of food we wanted delivered to us every day in our really nice trailers, I wish you all the best on your Oscar hosting gig.

[SteveMartin.com]

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