It’s always a little awkward to admit these things, but I know I’ll regret it forever if I don’t, so here it is: I have a huge crush on you. Like, an actual crush. Not in the cute anthropomorphic way that some girls might pretend to be “crushing” on a cute purse. More like the way that crazy Korean guy had a crush on his pillow, and then he married it.
Let me explain.See, the thing is … you actually look more like a cute hipster boy than a boot. You have scruffy blond hair. You’re decked out in plaid flannel. You’re tall and thin. You have a slightly eccentric swagger that’s totally irresistible. Plus, your laces are royal blue, which just happens to be my favorite color. Swoon!
And it’s not just the superficial things, I swear. I know that you’d be comfy and reliable. You’d keep me warm when it was cold outside. You’d keep me dry in the rain and snow. I’ve adored Sorel boots for years for these very reasons. But you, Tofino, you’re better than my old Sorel boots. You’re like the cool Sorel nephew that listens to Cage The Elephant and enjoys sampling seasonal microbrews. We could have fun together, Tofino. We could go to music festivals and quirky coffeeshops and pumpkin patches.
Even your name is cool: “Tofino.” I feel like after a few weeks I would start calling you “Toph” for short. When my friends asked if I wanted to hang out, I would say, “I’d love to, but I can’t. I’m playing kickball with Toph tonight.”
So there it is. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boot, asking it to love her. If other people don’t accept us, so be it. Maybe we can double-date with the pillow guy.