Culturista: Your Guide To The Week, From “New Girl” To “Abduction”

Let’s face it: keeping up with pop culture is difficult. With more than 1000 channels worth of TV shows, not to mention a new flood of movies and music every week, it’s practically a full-time job to keep up with everything. Luckily, it is my full-time job. So after the jump, your cheat sheet to the TV shows you need to watch, the albums you need to hear, the movies you need to see, and much, much more this week.
On the Small Screen:

  • There is an incredible amount of exciting new television this week. So every day, I’ll be bringing you an installment of our Fall TV Guide, to help you sort through which premieres you need to see and which you can skip. Enjoy.
  • “The Roast of Charlie Sheen,” tonight at 10 p.m. (EST) on Comedy Central. Roasting Charlie Sheen is easy. Perhaps too easy? But still, I’m very much amused that the long-awaited event is premiering on the same night as “Two and a Half Men” with Ashton Kutcher, in which Sheen’s character will have died.
  • “New Girl,” Tuesday at 9 p.m. (EST) on Fox. In every promo photo I’ve seen for the show, Zooey Deschanel looks just a little too wide eyed. But I love her so much, I will still be tuning in to see what happens when a nerdy girl moves in with three dudes.
  • “Nikita,” Friday at 8 p.m. (EST) on The CW. Not everyone got as addicted to this show as I did last year. But really, you should. It might even rank above “Alias” at this point in my taxonomy of shows about hot, female double agents.

On the Big Screen:

  • “Moneyball,” out Friday. The good news about this flick is that it stars Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill—two of my favorites in very different veins. The bad news is that it’s the flick about the nitty gritty of baseball, specifically how Oakland A’s manager Billy Beane turned his team around by recruiting underdogs.
  • “Abduction,” out Friday. Taylor Lautner is finally a leading man. When his (maybe?) parents are killed, he goes on the run along with Lily Collins, aka the Snow White who isn’t Kristen Stewart. Moral of the story: Taylor never gets Kristen.
  • “Machine Gun Preacher,” out Friday. Well, it’s a thoroughly testosterone-soaked weekend when it comes to movie releases, isn’t it? This flick stars Gerard Butler as Sam Childers, a high profile drug dealer who ends up in East Africa protecting children.

On Your Headphones:

  • Tori Amos, Night of Hunters, out Tuesday. For her new album, Tori has taken a classical turn, enlisting a orchestra of strings and woodwinds to accompany her moody piano and vocals to tell the story of a woman recovering from being torn from her lover.
  • Clap Your Heads Say Yeah, Hysterical, out Tuesday. Phew. After a sophomore album that got universally panned, CYHSY is back to top form with jangly sweet tunes on their third effort.
  • Tony Bennett, Duets II, out Tuesday. Ha ha ha. Tony’s duet with Lady Gaga is “The Lady Is A Tramp.” That’s funny.
  • Demi Lovato, Unbroken, out Tuesday. After a high profile breakup and checking into rehab for an eating disorder and personal issues, Disney girl Demi has gone very emo. I love how exposed she is on the lead track “Skyscraper.”

Also on Your Radar:

  • Your first DVD purchase of the week should be, duh, “Bridesmaids: Unrated,” out Tuesday. Just trust.
  • And your second should be the “Sophia Loren: Award Collection,” which collects the iconic sexpots’ most famous flicks in one place.
  • Gets to walking on Thursday—it’s National Car Free Day. Just think about how much gas you will save.
  • I need a new book this week, so will be picking up The New Kids. As in, new to the country. For this book, journalist Brooke Hauser spends a year with the kids of an International high achool in Brooklyn, representing more than 45 countries.