8 Life Lessons I Learned From Gordon Ramsay

In the last few months, I’ve fallen down a Gordon Ramsay rabbit hole — meaning all my of my television watching revolves around him. There’s “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Master Chef,” “Kitchen Nightmares” (the US and UK version), and “Ramsay’s Next Best Restaurant.” Seek Gordon Ramsay shows and ye shall find. Initially, I watched because I wanted to learn how to cook (also, I find him oddly erotic); what I learned instead was how to live. After the jump, some important life lessons from Gordon Ramsay.

  1. To be a success in life, all you really need is passion, a big pair of bollocks, and fresh local produce. This is the Ramsay recipe for success. These are the things which human beings respond to positively. They can be applied to anything really — just substitute “fresh local produce” for whatever makes more sense. Passion and balls are always non-negotiable, of course.
  2. You’re only as good as your last service. It doesn’t mean f**k all if everyone liked your food last week, last month, or last year. What matters is how they like it today. There is no moment like the present, so make sure you treat every service like your last. Maintain some damn standards! Word of Ramsay.
  3. The best way to get a person motivated is to threaten them with anal entry. Ramsay knows how to get results out of even the laziest of f**kers. How does he do this? By threatening to shove [insert object here] sideways up their arse. Everything seems more urgent when the inserting of a microwave or a sauce pan into your anus is imminent.
  4. If you’ve “lost the plot”, “dropped the penny”, or are “in the s**t”, ask for help. There are moments in life when you’ve done all you can on your own. At those moments, it’s time to swallow your pride and ask for help or go down in flames. Whether it’s at home, in a relationship, or in your kitchen, you can’t always solve the big problems on your own. When crap isn’t working, don’t be afraid to ask for a helping hand from someone honest — like your therapist or Gordon Ramsay.
  5. Keep a clean uniform on you at all times.You never know when you’ll have to strip out of off your civilian clothing and get kitchen ready at a moments notice. How is it that Ramsay always seems to have to rip off his shirt (baring his naked chest) and change into his chef jacket ala Clark Kent/ Superman? I don’t know, but it’s titillating. Gratuitous nudity aside, the “plot is not lost” on me. He is trying to teach us that we must always be prepared for anything in life.
  6. Men liked to be called “big boy.” The fastest way to earn a man’s respect is to compliment his penis. When a male ego is shattered, the pieces can easily be put back together again by referring to him as “big boy.”
  7. Don’t hide stuff in your freezer. What are you hiding in your freezer? Already cooked proteins? Frozen scallops? Rotting vegetables? A dead body? Eventually, whatever you are hiding will be discovered. Confess to your mess. Clean out the baggage in your damn freezer and cook to order!
  8. Communication is key. For any relationship to work, it requires clear and concise communication above all else. That means you have to know how to listen and take orders. Let your boss/husband/mother/child/sous chef know you’ve heard them loud and clear by yelling out, “Yes Chef!”

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