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Dear Wendy: “I Caught Him In Bed With Another Woman!”

I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and honestly can’t picture my life without him. Last week, though, I came home and found him in our bed, passed out with a naked woman. I had been staying at my place while my mother was in town. He knew I was coming home early that morning. That was the day we were planning on leaving to go on a 7-day cruise together.


Let me start by saying he’s not an idiot, because only an idiot or an uncaring dolt would have a girl spend the night when he knows his live-in girlfriend is coming home. He got intoxicated the night before, and I believe he is truly remorseful. But, I can’t help but wonder … why? Drunkenness is no excuse. He can’t remember the evening, so I made him call the woman to find out what happened. (Some back story: he met her at the gym and says she told him she was interested in him and he told her about me. He says they talked briefly every few nights over the phone.) He refused to call her in front of me, and called her when I wasn’t around to find out what happened. He told me they had sex on the sofa and in our bed without a condom, but also said he couldn’t finish, and passed out because he was so drunk. He has a drinking problem. Now, he swears he won’t touch alcohol unless I’m around, he’s moving to my house because I can’t stand to be in his, and he’s re-decorating his home.

I want to contact the woman, but I don’t want to betray his trust, because I know he wouldn’t want me to. I also know she likes him, and I probably can’t trust what she says either. I know there are three versions to every story: his version, her version, and then the truth. But, in my case….I don’t know that I’ll ever get the truth, and I want it to move on. He swears he feels nothing for her and that he’s the biggest idiot in the world. (I’m not arguing with that fact).

Where do I go from here? I want a life with him, but I don’t want to hurt myself. I love him, I want to believe him, but I’m scared. — Cheated

Um. Okay. So … wow, where to start? First of all, your boyfriend’s an idiot. I feel the need to point that out because you seem confused about whether he is or isn’t (in the second paragraph you say he isn’t, but in the next paragraph you admit that he is). You also seem confused about whether you live with the guy or not. You call yourself his live-in girlfriend but then you also mention that your boyfriend is moving to “your place” and that he’s redecorating “his” home. But, really, none of this matters. What matters is that your boyfriend cheated on you (without a condom!), made up some cockamamie story about “not remembering” the details, blamed it on being drunk, promised never to touch alcohol unless “you’re around,” and you’re actually going to let him move in with you after all that?! Darlin’, if that’s really the case, your boyfriend may not be the only idiot we’re dealing with her.

Furthermore, what good would contacting the other woman do? Your boyfriend already told you that after talking with her on the phone for several days, he had sex with her (again, without a condom!) on his sofa and his bed, so what version of the truth could she share that would enlighten you further? What, exactly, do you suppose she could say that would make you any more or less willing to forgive your boyfriend and move on? I mean, if the version of the truth he shared isn’t enough to make you dump his ass, what version of the truth would be? Would she have to tell you that he threw himself at her? Would she have to tell you this wasn’t the first time they hooked up? Would you even believe her if she did?

Look, you caught them red-handed. You saw her in his bed naked. And you’re still willing to let him move in with you?! You’re willing to excuse his behavior because he said he was drunk (was he drunk when he exchanged numbers with her at the gym?)? You say you want to “believe him.” But, believe what? That he doesn’t remember what happened? That he doesn’t have feelings for this woman? Is that seriously going to make it OK that he cheated on you with some gymbo all over his apartment? Come on! Have more self-respect than that. Give this guy the boot. Kick him to the curb. Tell him adios. If you don’t want to get hurt further, it’s really your only choice.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at {encode=”wendy@dearwendy.com” title=”wendy@dearwendy.com”} and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

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