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7 Horrible Hairstyles I Have Had And Why

I’ve already told you a little bit about my bad haircut experiences, most notably the time a 40-year-old hairdresser stole my kissing virginity, but today I’d like to go a bit more in detail about the horrific hairstyles I’ve sported over the years. What’s interesting is that I’ve never actually been that daring with my hair–never shaved my head in teenage rebellion or dyed it a crazy color with the exception of a hot pink streak a couple years ago–but even so, due to bad luck or poor decisions, I’ve sported some doozies. Read about my worst hair moments after the jump, and feel free to share some of your own hairstyle history in the comments!

If you were to ask my hair what it wants to be when it grows up, it would say, “A local news anchor in Texas circa 1988.”

The Rat Tail: When I was about 15, I walked into a Supercuts with shoulder length hair and asked for a trim. I left with a close-cropped pixie cut with a long strand of hair coming down the back of my neck. I stumbled out to my mom’s minivan in a daze. My little brother and his friend were sitting in the backseat. After examining my new hairstyle, my little brother’s friend, who at the time was sporting the most enviable rat tail in his elementary school, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Your hair looks just like mine!” At which point I burst into tears.

The 1980s News Anchor: I’ve had this hairstyle more than any other hairstyle in my life, because if you were to ask my hair what it wants to be when it grows up, it would say, “A local news anchor in Texas circa 1988.” I have thick, blond, wavy hair with a substantial cowlick in front that, if not tamed properly, will mold itself into a gigantic wave of bangs. Any sub-par haircut gives my hair the opportunity to act on these impulses, and let me tell you–it ain’t a pretty picture.

The High And Tight: My grandpa did all the haircuts for my brothers and me up until I was 14. His previous hair cutting experience was buzzing sailors’ hair in the navy during World War II. Enough said?

The Communication Breakdown: I went to a suburban salon with a French name where all the stylists spoke only Korean. They interpreted my request for a “quick trim” as a “dramatic ‘70s shag with razored ends and a neck shave,” although looking back, it could have been far worse.

The Stick Straight Bob: It was the 90s. I was trying to emulate Gwyneth Paltrow but I ended up looking more like an Afghan Hound.

The Frizzball: I spent part of my junior year at the University of Hawaii. When the time came for a haircut, I strolled into a random salon down the street from my apartment. Sure, according to the neon sign in the window, the place was called “HAIRCUTS,” and yeah, it was next to a Dairy Queen in a strip mall, but the island lifestyle had turned me into a laid back person who didn’t care about these kinds of things. “Could you thin my hair out?” I asked the stylist, who nodded wordlessly, took out a razor, and started hacking out chunks of hair at random. The moment I stepped out into the humidity my hair puffed up into a giant frizzball and stayed that way for 5 months.

The “Make Me Look Like Mischa Barton:” Remember when Mischa Barton had those awesome blunt bangs and everyone was calling it a “fringe” and it seemed so cool and British? Apparently it doesn’t look nearly as cool on a round-faced 18-year-old with an epic cowlick who doesn’t know how to operate a straightening iron.

Alright–your turn! Do you have any hair regrets to share?

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