Kim Kardashian is getting hitched this weekend, and her family isn’t telling us too much about how things we’ll be going down. Mom Kris Jenner tells us that Kim is cool as a cucumber. Luckily, Khloe Kardashian let a little more slip. She divulged that (gasp!) Kim’s bridesmaids will be wearing (ZOMG!) green. Now, I love green—all shades, from mint to kelly to hunter. But I do think it’s a slightly strange color to pick for bridesmaid dresses because the first thing that will pop into the guests’ minds when they see them will be “green with envy.” And who wants their bridesmaids to be envious? [People]
This got me thinking—do different bridesmaid dress colors send subtle subliminal messages to guests? Obviously. After the jump, our taxonomy of what different bridesmaid dress colors say about you.
- Cotton candy pink. “My husband got no choice in this matter. Nor will he have any choice in any other matter.”
- Hot pink. “I wish every day could be my bachelorette party.”
- Red. “I want my bridesmaids to get laid tonight.”
- Mauve. “Wish I could get back to my 1980s prom. That was a magical time.”
- Purple. “Why is everyone talking about Kate Middleton so much? So, she’s a royal. This is my year.”
- Blue. “I’m sad I didn’t get to marry my ex that dumped me.”
- Teal. “Everyone knows I’m a total princess.”
- Chartreuse. “I want everyone to think I’m original.”
- Yellow. “This will look perky, right? Because I am seriously excited about getting married. Okay, a bit scared too. But excited! Really!!!”
- Orange. “I am cruel enough to want to make my best-est girlfriends look like traffic cones.”
- Grey. “My favorite Winnie the Pooh character is Eeyore. Also, I don’t have any close female friends or loved ones, because no one talked me out of this.”
- Black. “I love my bridesmaids, but they all need to lose a few.”
- Assortment of Colors. “I spend half an hour picking up a jar of mustard at the grocery store. Decisions are not my thing.”
Yes, we have managed to come up with a negative for every color in the rainbow, which makes sense since everyone complains about the hideous color of their bridesmaid dress no matter what it is. So I guess the moral of the story is—pick what you want. Kim, we give your green dresses a thumbs up. Assuming they are not ugly.