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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Lies About His Porn Viewing”

I’ve been with my boyfriend — my first boyfriend — for almost two years now. I am away from home at school, only an hour and half drive away, and we see each other every weekend. He stays with me when he comes to visit. Recently the past couple of times he has come to visit, he uses my computer while I am away for class for a couple hours. At this recent account, I came back to my room and noticed that the floor was a little damp in a certain area right next to his chair. I asked him what happened and he said he spilled something. Later after he left, I was on my computer and up popped up porn sites. Then it dawned on me that he had not spilled something on the floor … if you know what I mean … So, I checked my history and found even more porn sites. According to the timeline of the days’ events, I know he looked at this right after I left for class, so right when he woke up and got out of bed.


I honestly don’t really care that much that he watches porn — he’s a guy. He’s probably been doing that since he learned how to masturbate. What makes me anxious and worried about it is that he watches it while he is supposed to be “be here with me,” lies to me about the “stuff’ on the floor, and the fact that he watches it on MY computer and isn’t even really being that discrete about it since it is still on my history. I’m not sure as to how I should bring this up to him, or if I even should. I wouldn’t mind watching it with him, I mean it seems kind of exciting and adventurous to get ideas, etc. What do I do? Should I approach him about it, and how do I do that? — Disturbed about His Porn Habit

So, yes, you should definitely approach your boyfriend if only to say that you don’t care what he does in the privacy of his own home or on his own computer. You don’t even have an issue with him looking at porn, though you’d feel better about it if he included you sometimes and didn’t feel the need to look at it the second you left him alone like it’s crucial to his survival like air or water or something. No, what you have a real problem with is that he disrespects you by using your computer while you’re away and comes all over your floor like a barnyard animal. And you can say it just like that. There’s no reason to sugar-coat this. What he’s doing is nasty at worst and incredibly disrespectful at best. You don’t need to spare his feelings here. You can bet he sure as shit wasn’t thinking about your feelings when he was, uh, in the middle of things.

So, just tell him. Tell him you checked your browser history, found all these porn sites, put two and two together and realized what the wet spot on your floor must have been and that you are not okay with this equation. Tell him that it’s not the porn you have a problem with per se, but the “when” and “where” of him watching it and the fact that he’s making a mess all over your stuff. Tell him you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior in your home and if he can’t go 48 hours without surfing porn, you’d be more than happy to watch it with him – that you even welcome the idea, actually — but that you’re also concerned with what it says about your relationship that you aren’t enough for him for one weekend. And then listen to what he says. He’s he overly defensive? Does he continue lying about his actions? Is he hostile? Does he try to avert blame? If so, think long and hard about whether you want to continue seeing this guy who not only disrespects you and your personal space/possessions, but can’t man up to his indiscretions when confronted. And, God forbid, he continues behaving like an uncultured animal, this would definitely be a situation in which you should MOA.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at {encode=”wendy@dearwendy.com” title=”wendy@dearwendy.com”}.

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