The Good, The Bad & The WTF: The Drinking Begins On “Jersey Shore”

Last night’s “Jersey Shore” was a big time set-up episode, setting the stage for all the drama that’s going to go down this season. (If you haven’t watched yet, SPOILER ALERT.) The Situation is slithering up Snooki’s miniskirt; Sammi is whimpering over Ronnie again; and Pauly D has, thank God, not yet inhaled enough hairspray fumes to think sex with Deena is a good idea. I am going to need six limoncello shots to cope if any of these housemates hook up with each other, let alone start dating.

After the jump, the good, the bad, and the WTF of last night’s episode of “Jersey Shore.” The Good:

  • The Situation is clearly angling for more screen time this season by pretending he’s in love with Snooki, who has her boyfriend Jionni back home. Snooki, to her credit, is not having it. She isn’t a brainiac, but at least she’s smart enough to see through Sitch’s BS on this one.
  • Ronnie has a ladyfriend named Hannah, whom he calls because he just wants to hear her voice. Oh Lord, wait until Sammi find out about this. By the end of the phone call, he’s offering to fly her out to Italy. Why do I say this is good news, when Sammi is almost certainly going to burst a vein? Because Ronnie and Sammi need to not be involved with each other.
  • This quote from Deena at the grocery store: “God, everything is in another language!” Haven’t these people heard of Italian-English dictionaries?
  • This exchange — Sammi: “These are, like, weird strawberries! Are they good like this?” Deena: “They’re raspberries.”
  • Ronnie and Vinny and their homophobic squeamishness alone in the Jacuzzi together was priceless.
  • Vinny actually knows that Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Ronnie had thought it was Da Vinci (who actually painted the Mona Lisa). Wrong Ninja Turtle, buddy.

The Bad:

  • Come on, MTV. Was it really necessary to repeat the Deena/Pauly D kiss? That clip is not safe for lunch.
  • Deena was going on and on (and on and on) about how she wants to hook up with Pauly. And what does Pauly say? On the car ride home from the club, he says to Vinny, “If you hook up with Dee tonight, I’ll appreciate it.”
  • Sammi tries to fight with Ronnie while drunk. Then Ronnie brags to Vinny (while Sammi is listening nearby, I guess) that he slept with three girls in four days and she freaks out crying. Seriously, MTV, I can’t handle another season of this.
  • The Situation is literally lurking while Snooki is fighting on the phone with her boyfriend, so that the second she’s off the phone he’s stroking her bare legs and telling her he likes her as “more than a friend.” Ick. Ick. Ick.
  • Deena, while wandering around Florence — sober! — asks “Is this The Vatican?” And Sammi replies, “I think so.” (The Vatican is outside Rome.)
  • The gang is working at a pizza parlor this summer and Snooki is kneading pizza dough with her really long nails, which looks unhygienic to me.
  • Drunk Snooki keeps saying The Situation’s totally-cute blonde hookup is ugly, which makes it seem like she’s actually jealous. Step away from the douchebag, Snooks!
  • And about that girl: she comes home, gives Sitch a “blowpop” and then he’s on the phone calling her a cab. Why would anyone give the Situation a blow job, period, but especially without any reciprocity? Also, did we really just see his face while he was receiving?

The WTF:

  • This (very drunk) quote from Ronnie: “I am the pimp daddy Mac of this whole place!!!” Someone make a GIF of this, post-haste.
  • Snooki is really into wearing huge flowers and bows on her head this season, although she shouldn’t, because it makes her look like a fifth-grader. When you’re already four-feet tall, that’s not something you can afford.
  • Snooki was criticizing how her Italian boss at the pizza parlor in Italy where they work only speaks Italian, not English. Facepalm.
  • Everyone on this show needs to do some balance exercises. So much falling down.

In conclusion, I found last night’s episode to be worthy of three out of five fist pumps. What did y’all think? [Jersey Shore]

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