It’s baaaaaack! Everyone’s favorite trashy Monday night TV show, “Bachelor Pad,” is back for its second season. In case you need a refresher, here’s the premise: 18 former contestants on ABC’s “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” series, living in a house together, having their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop trying to fall in love and instead focus on winning money. Greed! Hookups! Tears! The good, the bad, and the ugly of what happened in the first episode — which was a revoltingly jam-packed three hours — after the jump …
- I, for one, am so incredibly psyched that Jake and Vienna, who “fell in love” on his season of “The Bachelor” and then broke up in a painful to watch special, are both on this show. My fingers are crossed that they stay the whole time because the hate between them is just so priceless.
- I cringed in such an enjoyable way when Jake came into the house and shook hands with Kasey — aka “guard and protect your heart” Krazy Kasey, who competed for Ali’s heart and is now dating Vienna — and said in the most psychotically phony voice, “Hey! I know who YOU are! Terrific!” Dude is a serial killer.
- Jake has, at first, an unlikely ally in Gia, who was in the final three on his season alongside Vienna. Gia and Vienna hate each other now because apparently when Gia was dating Cowboy Wes (whom she met on “Bachelor Pad 1″), he cheated on her with Vienna, who was supposed to be her friend. The awkward moments just did not stop between Vienna and, well, everyone — when she tried to make small talk with Gia about Jake possibly showing up to the house, Gia turned away but not before telling Vienna not to be “mean” to him.
- Michael Stagliano, from Jillian’s season, is back! I love him! Sadly, Michael has a sore heart. He was engaged to Holly, who competed for the British Bach Matt Grant, but she freaked out and ended things because she’s an insane, drunk party girl (duh, that’s why an awesome dude like Michael is obsessed with her because chicks like that somehow get the rad dudes). Holly is at the Maxi Pad too, and even though I want to hate her, I can’t. Why? Because during the first challenge she gave up because she said she would rather be drinking. Me too, girl.
- I am also excited that Michelle Money is on the show. That chick is great TV — remember when she gave herself a black eye on Brad’s season? Anyway, I always thought Michelle was less crazy than she appeared, and thus far, she’s coming off way more mature and sane. She’s hoping to win the money because she’s a single mom, but also because her dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. I like the fact that she’s being humanized this time around. Team Michelle Money!
- Ames, who was on “The Bachelorette,” like, two seconds ago, sure moves on fast. He and Jackie — from Jake’s season — hit it off instantly, but then had the smart idea to not actually team up during challenges so that the other players don’t see their couple-dom as a threat.
- Hot do-gooder Grant, who didn’t “open up” enough for “Bachelorette” DeAnna’s liking, is back! He’s playing for his poor kids charity or something, which is sexy. Previews suggest that Michelle sinks her claws into him in episodes to come. Meow!
- How is Rated-Douche, I mean Justin, even allowed on this show? He fully admits to lying to “Bachelorette” Ali and producers about having had a girlfriend during his season and isn’t the least bit apologetic. And he’s rewarded for, like, breaking the rules by being invited to play for $250K? I would understand, maybe, if the dude was actually good TV, but he’s not! He’s lame! And ugly!
- Vienna and Kasey make me want to puke. First of all, he is such a complete ding-a-ling and she, while less of a sociopath than Jake, is such an insane fame whore. The thought of these two getting married and making babies makes me fear for humanity. Also, ABC, I didn’t need to see them getting it on naked. This is a family show.
- Kirk, Blake, and William look exactly alike. Please get rid of two out of the three so I don’t mix them up. Okay, thanks.
- Melissa and Alli, who?
- It was revealed that Ella, who was on Jake’s season of the Bach, witnessed her step-father kill her mother when she was a child. So awful. She wants to win the money so she can buy a house for her and her daughter.
- Jake and Jackie won the first challenge, which meant they got to go on a date. Their date was lame, because Jake went on and on about Vienna. Dude is working overtime to make himself seem like a nice guy instead of the manipulative, angry douche he both appeared to be on the breakup special and the “monster” Vienna describes him as. Saying that Vienna is not a “bad girl,” that he lovvvvved her so muchhhhh, etc. etc. and then eventually deciding to give a rose to Vienna as a “peace offering” — all of this was totally calculated on his part to come off like a nice guy who just wants to make amends, but I know better! And so does Vienna, who said:
“The only way to see the real Jake is to put a fly in the house alone with him, and glue, like, a little tiny videocamera around the mouse. I mean, the fly.”
Awesome idea, Vienna. Let’s get right on that.
- Gia totally had Jake’s back — mostly because she hates Vienna — which is why it was pretty crappy of him to give the rose to Vienna instead of her. Still, she made a pretty crappy argument, in a genius exchange that went something like this:
Gia: When you’re trying to kill the emeny, I mean enemy, you don’t put them in a bomb shelter when you could bomb them.
Jake: Oh really? … How did the Trojans beat the Greeks?
Gia: They showed up in an elephant at the door and then broke them apart.
Jake: It was a horse. They gave them a gift.
Gia: You’re, like, playing a game of chess without the queen.
Jake: Lots of people win without the queen.
Gia: You never win without the queen. You don’t.
- I am obsessed with Princess Erika, the chick who wears a tiara 24/7, in the same way I am obsessed with picking the skin off my feet, but what the hell was she wearing during the Elimination ceremony?
- WTF, why was this show three hours? More importantly, WTF, why did I enjoy all three hours so much?!
- Challenge Winners: Jake and Jackie
- Roses: Jake, Jackie, and Vienna
- Sent Packing: Rated-Douche and Alli
Phew. Did I miss anything? What did you think of the first episode of “Bachelor Pad 2″? Who are you rooting for?
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