Culturista: Your Guide To The Week, From “Bachelor Pad 2″ To “Watch The Throne”

Let’s face it: keeping up with pop culture is difficult. With more than 1000 channels worth of TV shows, not to mention a new flood of movies and music every week, it’s practically a full-time job to keep up with everything. Luckily, it is my full-time job. So after the jump, your cheat sheet of the TV shows you need to watch, the albums you need to hear, the movies you need to see, and much, much more this week.
On The Small Screen:

  • “Bachelor Pad,” season premiere, tonight at 8 p.m. (EST), ABC. The story of this season: Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi together in a house after their bitter breakup. With Vienna now dating Mr. Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl. But, it looks like there will be much more drama to boot. And—hallelujah—a three hour premiere for our favorite trashy summer show.
  • “Tia & Tamera,” series premiere, tonight at 9 p.m. (EST), ABC. The “Sister Sister” twins are back, and Tia is preggers while Tamera is planning her wedding. Wow, I feel old.
  • “So You Think You Can Dance,” season finale, Wednesday and Thursday at 8 p.m. (EST), FOX. Watch because it’s down to the final four. And to see what Cat Deeley is wearing.
  • “Project Runway,” Thursday at 9 p.m. (EST), Lifetime. Celebrity judges are never as exciting as I hope they’ll be. Perhaps Kim Kardashian will change that tonight?

On The Big Screen:

  • “The Help,” out Wednesday. Emma Stone with blonde curly hair scares me. But that is no reason to skip this movie, about a woman who graduates from college, moves home to Mississippi, and decides to write about the maids who keep her and her town’s households running smoothly.
  • “Glee: The 3D Concert Movie,” out Friday. The first review I saw for this documentary about the kids of “Glee” on tour said that it was all the good parts of the show minus the annoying. Maybe it can rekindle our romance?
  • “30 Minutes Or Less,” out Friday. The fact that Aziz Ansari and Jesse Eisenberg are in this one gives me high hopes. It’s about two guys who kidnap a pizza delivery boy and force him to rob a bank for them.

On Your Headphones:

  • Jay-Z and Kanye West, Watch the Throne, on iTunes today, in stores on Friday. What can we say about perhaps the most highly anticipated album of the year? Yeah, it’s a must-listen.
  • The Horrors, Skying, out tomorrow. I am thoroughly smitten with the album cover for The Horrors’ new album, which shows the ocean and sky in beautiful, dream-like state. And the tunes on the album match perfectly. I call it shoegazey goth, if that makes any sense.
  • Michael Ian Black, Very Famous, out tomorrow. Ever since he appeared with his black floppy hair and skinny pants on “The State,” we’ve loved Michael. Well, fine, we got a little annoyed with him during the “I Love The _______” series. But his second album is being called “thinking man’s comedy,” and that’s exactly the variety I like.

Also on your radar:

  • Get your 3-D glasses ready. Today, World’s Most Beautiful, ie the first 3-D magazine appears on newsstands, with Miss Kim Kardashian on the cover.
  • On August 12th and 13th, the Perseids Meteor Shower reaches its peak. So kiss up to a friend with a telescope.
  • Play “Hungry Like The Wolf” on repeat. Wednesday is National Duran Duran Appreciation Day.
  • Put on some black leather, crank up your Harley and head to South Dakota for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, one of the biggest in the country. Wonder if Sarah Palin will show up?

What are you looking forward to this week?

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