An Open Letter To Justin Bieber’s Pants

Dear Justin Bieber’s Pants,

Sometimes I wonder what life must be like for you. I mean, just a few years ago you were making cameos in YouTube videos and today you’re probably the most famous pants in the world. All eyes are on you, and people are talking: “What style of pants is Justin wearing now?” “Who’s trying to get in his pants?” “Who wears the pants in his relationship?” “How does he get his pants to stay up?”

And that’s what I’d like to talk to you about: the whole “staying up” issue… I’ll just lay it out for you: the way you hover just under the curve of Justin’s butt makes me nervous. That is not how pants are supposed to fit and I suspect you know this. One overly enthusiastic dance move or an unexpected gust of wind and you’re going to fall right to the ground. The whole situation seems very precarious.

And can I confess something to you, Pants? You are making me feel old. Whenever I see Justin Bieber, instead of surveying his dreamy face or appreciating his smooth voice or yearning to touch his hair, I can only think to myself, “Pull up your pants, young man!” You’re probably too young to know what this feels like, but I can assure you that it will happen one day. Maybe 20 years from now, you’ll be taxidermied and living in the Smithsonian and a 7th grade class will file past you wearing crop tops as dresses, and you will catch yourself thinking, “Kids these days!” and then you will gasp and realize that you have effectively turned into your grandfather–the tweed trouser.

I know you’re under a lot of pressure, Pants. You live a rich and famous lifestyle that I can’t even begin to understand, but if there’s one great equalizer in this world, it’s gravity. Don’t fight it.