What Happens When You Use Google As Your Therapist?

I Google stuff to find answers to everyday questions, like, “How old is Anne Hathaway?” (Answer: 29) and “What is the name of tiny salty berry-type things in Caesar salad?” (Answer: capers). Google has probably made me dumber because I no longer actually have to suss out the answers to problems on my own — instead I just type in a selection of random words that I think may lead to an answer and hope for the best. But what if your problems go deeper than trying to find the new Jeffrey Campbell wedges on sale? What good would Googling do? Could Googling solve my many emotional problems, too?

Let’s find out!

If you’re a jealous person, you have seen how much damage it can do

Question: How do I get over my ex-boyfriend?

The Internet Says:

In your mind, put him in his place. Remember, he’s just a guy, and no one is worth all that fuss. The first couple of days are normal to feel a lot of different feelings, but in the end, you just have to accept that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. The answer to your question will come naturally, because it has to, there is no other way. I’ve had my heart broke before too, I think everyone has, the fact is that you do eventually get over it, in time.

To use this analogy: this problem has buried you alive, you look, all you see is dirt, you think your going to die. Little to you realize, your only buried in about 2 inches of dirt. All you really have to do is sit up, and stand tall. Your [sic] only six feet under when you are dead.

We Say: Wise analogy! It’s easy to get caught in the metaphorical dirt, and the crying (oh, the crying), but time does heal all wounds.

Question: How do I stop being jealous?

The Internet Says:

havent u ever looked at another guy cos he was cute but that was it- even though u looked thats as far as u would take it cos u know u love ure bf and hes th eone who rocks ure world.. thats how i feel- i maybe see lots of cute guys but honestly i dont compare any to my bf- for me my bf is the ultimate best and hes the only one i want to go lay next to and kiss and hold!!! next time u feel a rage of jealousy try to focus on something else, like whos Boyfriend is he??? is he that girls? ure friend? ure sis? or is he yours???

We Say: Ur boyfriend is urs, so don’t worry abt the other girls.

The Internet Also Says:

Jealousy is when you react negatively towards the possibility of losing what you have to someone else. Unlike envy, it usually involves three people, rather than just two: you, the person who has what you want and the person who threatens to take it away. It’s an unhealthy habit that can make any kind of relationship crumble; if you’re a jealous person, you have seen how much damage it can do. But at the core of jealousy are some fears and expectations that are hard to shake, unless you make a conscious effort to cast them away. You Should: 1. Observe what triggers your jealousy. 2. Bite your tongue. 3. Recognize that jealousy is a self-fulfilling prophecy 4. Build self-confidence. 5. Stop comparing yourself to other people. 6. Stop feeling entitled to all of a person’s time. 7. Trust. 8. Be positive.

We Say: Hmm. It sounds like the author is channeling a very specific incident of jealousy, maybe involving a time she stalked an ex and had a restraining order taken out on her? Either way, we love any and all advice that involves shoving your feelings in a deep dark emotions hole (aka biting your tongue).

The Question: How do I choose between two guys?

The Internet Says:

Try spending some time alone and just reevaluating yourself. Think of what YOU want. When we’re young, things change SO quick! Even when we’re not so young, sometimes things change before we change our actions. Spend a little more time doing your hobbies and things you enjoy, take some nice bubble baths or whatever. After you’ve thought and spent some time with your “self”, then the answer will come.

Choose the one that makes you feel like you are the only women [sic] in the world. As a girl, only girls truly understand that. The one that makes you happy, makes you giddy, makes you feel like a school girl again. As long as your happy, the person treats you right, and you feel that feeling with them, nothing else matters. Know what feeling I’m talking about? The one that is indescribable [sic]. Kind of in the middle of your stomach but goes through your entire body when you hear their voice, or when they say certain things. That feeling is so important to me. As long as you got that, you know how u [sic] feel about that person.

pick the hottest one

We Say: It sounds like two guys is at least one too many. Alone time is just what the Internet doctor ordered. Or whatever, just pick the hottest one.