Every second of every day, some couple somewhere is fighting about something either completely ridiculous, semi ridiculous or actually kind of legitimate, and someone’s always going to walk away the victor of the argument. It has been said that you can tell a lot about a person’s character by the way they fight whether they’re a screamer, a crier, stubborn or submissive. Aw, the wonderful world of arguing.They also say (whoever they are) that the minute you start yelling in an argument, you’ve already lost. Well, you know what? I call BS. I think it’s healthy to yell, scream, even turn bright red. Then again, I think it’s healthy to fight in general and a lot of people may not agree with me on that. I believe that the couples who say they “never fight” are either lying or totally psychotic, and must be dispensing mass amounts of sedatives into one another when they bone. However, though I’m an advocate of fighting with the full power of my vocal chords, I am also a devotee to the one surefire phrase that will put you in the winner’s seat every time: “You just really hurt my feelings.”
As much as us women hate shaving our legs, the impeccably terrible timing of our period when we’re about to get it on with someone new, and how delicious bagels, pizza and donuts taste, men despise the sound of an angry, yelling woman that much more. As soon as your tone becomes even slightly “enraged,” they shut down. Suddenly, you’re being “crazy” or “irrational,” two words rarely applied to men, by the way, except for ones on death row or those guys who act “like women.” That’s why I have an alternative tactic to winning these fights. What he did could literally be making you so livid you actually want to physically harm him, but I’m telling you, if you play the “hurt feelings” card, you will come out the victor of any disagreement.
Example: He’s an hour late for dinner. You’re so pissed, you can actually feel your uterus sharpening knives and preparing for World War WTF. Now what? You calmly (and with puppy-face on) say, “You just really hurt my feelings.”
He doesn’t invite you to hang out with a group of friends? “I’m so hurt.”
He forgets an anniversary? “I’ve never felt more forgotten or hurt by you.”
He lets his cell phone die for over 24 hours and doesn’t find a way of informing you? “YOU inflicted this horrible feeling of HURT on me.”
Whatever way you want to word it, it works. Of course, be sure not to abuse this genius phrase, for it’s a magical one that needs to be used subtlety in place of tears or whining. Think of it as the equivalent of his mother or father telling him, “I’m so disappointed in you,” except you’re his girlfriend and you guys have sex. I can assure you that by taking the less-traveled “hurt feelings” road, things will turn out in your favor from now on.
That is, unless he’s cheated on you. In that case, feel free to say and do whatever the hell you want to him, uterus knives and all.
Read more from Emma Golden on her blog Emma’s Thing.