Dear Platform Shoes,
I have an issue that I need to resolve with you, but I want to do it in a sensitive and productive way so I’m going to try to use “I-statements.” Did you ever learn about “I-statements,” Platforms? According to my 7th grade health textbook, you can solve any problem by simply filling in the blanks to this sentence: “When you _______, I feel _______.” Example: “When you borrow my favorite sweater without asking, I feel sad.” Or maybe “When you talk about Justin Bieber, I feel old.”
So here it is, Platforms: When you are the only type of shoe available at every shoe store, I feel cheated out of my inalienable right to a wide variety of heels…Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with you personally. I mean, yeah, super high heel versions of you look a little stripper-y and you’ve helped turn Jessica Simpson into a billionaire, but you have a ton of great things going for you: you’re much more comfortable than normal high heels. You make legs look long and shapely. You bring a cool ’70s-style glamour to even the most boring outfits.
It’s just that your meteoric rise to dominance has left little room for other shoe types. I went to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale last week looking for a basic pair of pumps and there was nothing but giant platforms to be found. You were just as ubiquitous throughout the rest of the mall. All I’m asking for is a little diversity. Where are the diminutive kitten heels? The sleek stilettos? The classic pumps? It seems like shoe designers are haphazardly gluing platforms onto the bottom of every shoe at this point. It’s madness.
So just give it some thought, Platforms. Maybe make like “Seinfeld” and quit while you’re ahead. Step aside and let some other shoes reign supreme — trust me, we’ll appreciate you that much more if you do.