9 Things I Dread About Dating

As some of you may have read, my dude and I split last week due to religious differences. You’ll be glad to know that I am on the mend; actually I’m feeling pretty good. I caught up with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, cleaned out every nook and cranny of my bedroom, and indulged in habanero margaritas. Everything was fine until a friend asked if she could set me up with someone. That was when the panic set in. Oh crap, I have to date again at some point? I had forgotten about that. Maybe I am just more prone to neurosis than the average gal, but I have a list of things I dread about the early stages of dating, my worst case scenarios checklist, if you will. After the jump, the most anxiety provoking things about the early stages of dating. Can’t we just skip over all this crap and get to the comfortable part?

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  1. Silence. I could probably keep a conversation going for hours with a wall. I may have actually done that before. Yet, I, the most talkative woman in the universe, fears silence on a date above all else. Not because I’m afraid I won’t be able to think of anything to say, but because when faced with conversation gaps, I will overcompensate by talking about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Usually something that ends up making me look like a lunatic. Once, I listed every restaurant I had ever dined at in New York City. Cringe.
  2. The first kiss. When it will happen? Where it will happen? Will it be super awkward? What happens if he has bad breath? Shoves his tongue down my throat? Bumps teeth with me? Worst of all: What if I feel nothing? I shudder to think.
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  4. Seeing his place for the first time. Maybe he’s a hoarder, slob, or cat owner. Maybe his sheets are stained or he has no clean towels. Or maybe … he doesn’t own any books! I can go on and on here. But my palms are getting sweaty just imagining the things in his apartment might scare me.
  5. The first night followed by the first morning. Let’s say by some miracle I make it past the conversation gaps, the first kiss, and the showing of his apartment, there are many more trials and tribulations ahead. The anticipation of discovering whether or not he snores or wakes up in a bad mood is enough make me hide under my bed forever. But that aside, what if the sex sucks and I have to sleep over because it’s late and/or I have a lot of guilt? That’s one long night I’ll never get back.
  6. The bikini line. Waxers of the world, you’ll relate to me when I confess to having a rigid waxing schedule. What if the first time I decide to drop my drawers is during the critical phase (week three) of my wax cycle? I am basically screwed. I either have to make up an excuse as to why I want to wait another week to get naked or hope that he’s a fan of bush.
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  8. Nakedness. Speaking of getting naked. If I’m not worrying about my bikini line, I am worrying having to keep a straight face when I see his tail/back hair/sixth toe for the first time. God grant me the strength to stifle my laughter.
  9. The period. You can always count on Aunt Flo to come at an inconvenient or embarrassing time. How do you tell him you got it during brunch and have no tampons? Or bled on his sheets while he slept? Or that your tampon clogged his crappy plumbing? And what if he is weird about it? Argghhh! Too much! Head going to explode!
  10. Related: Girl Talk: Love Me, Love My Period

  11. Meeting friends and family. This can be a disaster when done hastily. I am thinking of the time when a guy I was dating surprised me by introducing me to his mother. This is not the kind of surprise I appreciate considering I was wearing last night’s clothes and hadn’t showered. Also, I remember quite bitterly, the time a date invited his entire friend group along to meet up with us without consulting me. It was our fourth date. And they were all wasted.
  12. The disappearing act. And finally, the grandaddy of all fears; the disappearing act. He must be a magician, because he just disappeared. We were dating one day and POOF! The next day he vanished without a trace. This phenomenon, which I refer to as “ghosting” is pretty much the reason why I avoid dating. Even if I don’t really like the guy, it makes me crazy angry. At least tell me you’re not into it. I can handle it. I will forget you. But if you ghost, you’d better watch your back, buddy.

What’s on your dating anxiety list? Please share.

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