Breaking News: The New York Times Discovers Women Wear Dresses

Fresh off their discovery that people breathe air and women enjoy staring at Ryan Gosling’s abs, the New York Times style section has apparently uncovered that women love to wear dresses when it’s “soupy” out. In fact! They love dresses so much! They like, wear them all the time! The Times interviewed dozens of cutting edge females who confessed to not putting on pants during the warm summer months because dresses are so much FREER and less confining to their sweaty vaginas. As one lovely lass, Bettina May–who confers with a woman named Hazel Honeysuckle (that cannot be a real effing name)–explains, “dresses are almost always looser and less constricting than pants or a skirt. When it’s this hot, I don’t wear anything else.” Ms. May, thank you kindly for explaining the ways of the world to me. I was evah so befuddled! Here I was, a-sittin’ in mah parka and mah Uggs boots, wonderin’ why I was gettin’ the vapors! Ditto to photographer Sarah Girner, who tells the Times, that she discovered dresses at 16, when she was “at the threshold of becoming a woman.” She became captivated with the “grace and elegance inherent a dress, the way it flows and moves.” Prior to her 16th year we can only assume Ms. Girner was mystified by those pantsless garments her friends, neighbors and colleagues were wearing. What are they doing, just strutting about in those one-piece outfits with no fabric betwixt their legs!? From what a world Ms. Girner must have emerged.

But it seems she’s in good company, the company of the equally homespun and precious Bettina, who is all too ready to offer up an adorable quote on the intrinsic link between dresses and femininity and blah blah blah. “[Wearing dresses] is so much a part of the whole ritual of becoming a woman, like putting on lipstick and all your little fixings.”

Your little fixings, like you’re a roast turkey, with gravy and cranberry sauce, basting in the sun.

[New York Times]

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