5 Weird, Crazy Things I Have Done With Facebook

Facebook! I love it. I hate it. Sometimes I need a martini and a break from it. But let the record show, that Facebook has brought me many joys, sometimes cookies (more on that in a sec), and occasionally allowed me to reconnect with my 7th grade crush. Who is now an evangelical self-published author. After the jump, all of the creative ways I’ve used Facebook, that I really recommend. 1. To thank the writer of a movie I really liked. You don’t use FB for this? You’re weird. I recently found a movie on Netflix called “The Assassination of the High School President” that is hands down one of the funniest teen comedy movies ever. I don’t know, I really loved it. It stars Mischa Barton, before she got totally batcrackers, and Reece Thompson, who has great dimples. I laughed so much, I wanted to thank the writers of the movie for making such a funny film. So I found their names on IMDB and then I set about finding them on Facebook. I eventually did find Kevin Jakubowski and I wrote him: “Are you the guy who wrote ‘Assassination of a High School President’? If so, I just finished watching it and it’s maybe the most perfect high school movie of all time. Thanks!” A couple of days later, he wrote back: “Wow. This just made my day. Thanks so much for watching the film. Really glad you dug it. Means a lot to me!” Case closed, this was an awesome thing to do.

2. To ask the Pastafarian out on a date. You guys think I’m kidding when I write these “be my boyfriend” posts. I’m not. I found spaghetti strainer-wearing Niko Alm on Facebook and sent him my post. But, sigh, he lives in Austria or whatever, so I doubt we’re going to drink beers together any time soon.

3. To find my 7th grade pen pal/crush. My 7th grade pen pal/crush shares a name with a famous actor. But his name is also relatively common, so stalking him on Google or Facebook is rather difficult. In order to successfully find him, I had to a) find out his mother’s first name (she was my 6th grade English teacher), b) find her on Facebook and c) then find him. This took a lot of Google energy and dedication, but it was important because we wrote a ton of letters to each other; we even wrote a murder mystery book together (never published, natch). When I originally knew him/crushed on him, it was because he looked like Jay Underwood, who was in “The Boy Who Could Fly” and the creepy boyfriend in “Uncle Buck.” It turns out, though, that my middle school long-distance pen friend had grown up to become a staunch member of the Tea Party and a self-published evangelical author. So I guess we’re not reuniting and it feels so good-ing anytime soon.

4. To find a guy who appeared on an episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker.” This I was doing for you guys, really. I wanted to find a guy who was on the show and interview him about the experience, and through the magic of Googling “rice balls” and “will” and “millionaire matchmaker” I was able to find Will on Facebook, who was on a particularly fun episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker.” He runs a place called Arancini Brothers, which makes really good rice balls, if you’re ever in New York. Anyway, our schedules conflicted and we never ended up doing the interview. C’est la vie. His balls are still good.

5. To procure cookies. About two months ago, I jokingly posted on Facebook that I really wished somebody would bring me a black-and-white cookie. That wasn’t a euphemism for anything, I just sincerely wanted a cookie. One of my FB friends responded by saying that he’d happily procure one for me. The only trouble — well, I didn’t quite know him. I’d approved his FB friendship because he’d requested it and we had some friends in common and I thought, What’s the harm? He lives in Portland! He’s a filmmaker! Maybe he just wants to network. I assumed, since his profile said he lived in Oregon which is about a zillion miles away, that he’d be mailing me a cookie. So I sent him a message with my mailing address, letting him know he wasn’t obligated but yes, I’d still love a cookie, even if it came in a few days. He responded by telling me he was actually in Union Square in Manhattan and could bring a cookie over in the next 20 minutes or so. Well, okay then. He ended up coming over, being very, very, extremely hot, and Scottish! We made out. And he brought me cookies! Don’t judge. I’m maximizing my Facebooking.

And with that, I ask, what weird things have YOU done with Facebook lately?

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