My Monthly Deathly Hallows And Other New Names For Your Period

Let’s get one thing straight: my period and I are not friends. And that’s why last week, when I was going through the worst of it, I started referring to my period as The Deathly Hallows. It just seemed appropriate, you know? Granted, I’ve never seen a Harry Potter movie or read the books, but come on, what’s more deathly or hallows-y than bleeding for five days straight? With that in mind, I’ve decided we need to come up with some fresh new period euphemisms, because “Aunt Flo,” “the rag,” and “my monthly lusty bloodletting” just aren’t cutting it anymore.

New Euphemisms For Your Period
The Deathly Hallows. “Harry Potter” period humor, natch. Ex: “I’d love to go swimming this weekend, but I feel an attack of the Deathly Hallows coming on.”
The Terminator. Ex: “Like clockwork, Jill’s Terminator is back, so she’s stuck at home on the couch watching her DVR queue tonight.”
My Quarterly Dividends. For when you’re on Seasonique, or one of those other pills that means you only get your period four times a year. Ex: “Can’t go on a date tonight, I’m examining my quarterly dividends.”
“True Blood.” Topical! Ex: “Not excited for the premiere of ‘True Blood’ this week. I need to buy some tampons.”
The Panty Trasher. When your period is kind of like a reckless party guest. Ex: “I have to do laundry tonight. The panty trasher hit town.”
Icing on the Cake. If you consider your vagina your cake. Ex: “If you’re going to eat me out, there’ll be some icing on the cake.”
“The Shining.” Bloody walls! Bloody walls! Ex: “My uterus is doing a dead-on impression of the elevator from ‘The Shining’ right now.”
Gettysburg. Winona’s brothers refer to when women’s periods syncing up as “Gettysburg,” because the confederate’s battle strategy was to attack in waves. Also, many men perished. Ex: “All the women in the office are really feeling it today. It’s like Gettysburg in there.”
“The Hunt For Red October.” When Sean Connery gets all up in your panties and makes a mess with his menstrual submarine. Ex: “Ugh, it’s all ‘Hunt for Red October’ down there right now.”