Hollywood these days is all about positioning and spin, and—what can we say?— it’s made us more than a little jaded. In this new column, we will share some of our most out-there theories about what’s really going on in the celeb-u-verse. Now, keep in mind that none of this is based on fact or even on the testimony of anonymous sources. They are purely hunches, and we could be totally and completely wrong. That said, we would not be super surprised if, some day, it came out that a few of our theories were right.
Ever since January Jones announced her pregnancy in late-April, without naming the child’s father, the internet and gossip rags have been in a tizzy trying to figure out whose seed implanted itself in her fertile womb. No worries, Us Weekly, Perez Hilton, et. al., I’ve got it figured out.Now, before I get into blowing your mind with my totally-right-but-not-substantiated-theory, here’s what we do know about January’s baby bump. She’s reportedly due in October, which means she got pregnant in February. At that time, January was no longer dating Jason Sudeikis — they broke up in January — so unless they were having ex sex, chances are slim that he’s the father of her baby. That could be why he felt comfortable joking that he could be while hosting the MTV Movie Awards. (You would think he wouldn’t joke about that if he was the dad and didn’t want anyone to know.)
In February, January was also still filming “X-Men: First Class,” causing many to suspect that her baby daddy was one of her famous co-stars or someone else involved with the film. Given that the cast is stacked to the hilt with wang, that leaves many options, including a few married men. That, of course, has never stopped anyone. Matthew Vaughn, director of the film and husband to Claudia Schiffer, has already denied he’s the dad, so unless he’s lying, we can probably rule him out. But, really, it could be anyone, couldn’t it? Even a member of the crew if she decided to go slumming (I’m kidding) or someone not affiliated with the film at all. It could be John DeVore, even. Why not?
That’s what I thought until I came by a very interesting piece of info. A friend of mine was recently at a party hosted by a woman who is dating a famous-ish female actress. This actress is not known for being gay, or even bisexual; in fact, this piece of info surprised me, because she has recently been linked to one of January’s male “X-Men” costars, Michael Fassbender. (I’m not going to name the lady in question because she is relatively immaterial and why blow up her spot — you can figure it out if you try.) The two have been photographed a few times looking romantic, not hiding a relationship, but not flaunting it either.
Which brings me to my theory. Michael Fassbender is January Jones’ baby daddy. I think the two had some sort of fling on set, but it wasn’t anything serious. To cover up the fact that he fathered her baby — at least so the media doesn’t know — he’s pretending to be involved with this other female actress This female actress is going along with the ruse to cover up the fact that she’s dating a woman. All three — January, Michael, and the secretly gay/bi actress — are good friends and are in on the cover-up together. Everyone wins. Except Us Weekly, that is.
Or, you know, maybe I’m totally wrong and it’s really John DeVore that’s responsible. Crazier things have happened.